11 years later!

Death.... I can't think about anything else.

There's something about...!

There's something about raw objects that attracts me!
Same for the damaged.
Maybe the imperfection..!

Love at first sight.
As soon as I lay my eyes on something raw or deformed, I get that creepy feeling that sneaks under my skin...
This thing has to be mine.
I completely have no clue whatsoever how I'm going to use it.
I just want it raw, deformed,.. and ugly!
Did I say ugly?!!
No, no it's not.
It's just the word that pops up in my mind, but I don't mean it.
I mean raw, deformed,..... and...!

It's not prejudice against shiny stuff,.. that..
That in a way, may reflect deception in humanbeings...!
They were the same as the raw stuff that once were found alienated, undiscovered,..
They should have left them alone, wild, exotic,...
....and beautiful!!

Coma

Driving through the empty streets,
Listening to the radio,
Clarinet smoothly plays..
Sending tingling sensation through your nerves.
A state of hypnosis when you are helpless against your subconscious,
Where everything turns amazingly..
Abstract!

Now, the violin takes over.
Feeling like a sharp blade cutting deep inside.
So smooth that I cannot feel the pain,
So sharp that I can feel the warmth of blood seeping on my freezing skin!

Everything is grey and pale..
I love how leaves shake and tremble in the wind,
Helpless,
Trying hardly to stick together as if they are the only living creatures on the planet.
Do they feel us..?!

Percussions comes in...
The cat crawling towards the bird,
The Indian by the fire,
The symphony speeding rhythm.

His image on the rocking chair synch to the whole scene..
Memories are hanging in the air, circling around in harmony.
I know what that is..
Pre-coma feeling,..as if something like that ever exist.
Suffocation has never been so sweet.

The cat is attempting the final attack,
The bird squeaking with pain.
The Indian dancing madly.
The street lamp is flickering,
Sparks cutting through air,
My breath is speeding..!

Same meaningless smile on my face,
Watching rain drops on the windshield of my car.
My vision is blurred...!

32 and still breathing!

She asked me about my age, and I replied, "33".
I found out that I was wrong when I went home, and for the next day I tried to figure out what's my real age but I failed.
Thanks to old school counting-fingers-method, I calculated it.

It's either love or hate; the in-between state doesn't suit me. It's a state of uncertainty that makes me restless.
And hate is my salvation.

I love asthma and I love nightmares.
I hate headaches and I hate nausea.
Is this Philosophy?!!

32 years…
6 years in an undefined phase,
11 years on the line of fire,
15 years of self punishment,
….
I'm a wicked wicked punisher!

"What's your goal for this year?"
….
"Ok, what do you want to do the most?"
…. (again)!
"…..?!"
I'm dead, it's just that I'm still breathing!

This is it!

Alfred Hitchcock for a ten years old kid…!
That bird is driving the cat crazy…
Yes, I was entertained.

It was a sick self-aging process…
I thought it was my way out, but…

Boredom is my worst nightmare, my true self, and a state that I embrace while watching amusement in others eyes!

It was never physical, or at least it was just a feeling. I mean I've never fought to catch my breath or was dying to cut my chest open…
I'm literally suffocating!

I had to live with all that and still look sane and rational like it never happened,…
But I cannot keep it inside anymore!

I've never found an explanation for one's being wicked and fighting the wicked.
...
Yes, I'm afraid of me.

"Twinkle, twinkle, little star,..",…
And a slow motioned mass massacre…
I've always wondered how they are related!

These are not hallucinations! (part 5)

I was staring at a cat,
And for 3 minutes I tried to think of an edible animal,..
I couldn't get one except...
That cat!

Day dreaming was the only thing I mastered anytime, anywhere..
It was my refuge,
My salvation..
Not anymore!
I'm trapped behind bars of reality and logic.

So at last we've got to know each other
And there was significant some kind of attraction..
So why do I feel all this resentment and hate?!!

It's an inevitable end,
A state of mind that will soon exist,
I just don't know when or where it will happen.
The crack is there, I know it…
And I'm waiting!

Going off the rails..
The restlessness that I feel whenever the idea awakens..
It's far more appealing than a sweet temptation..
It's a back door out of my self made fake image.

So I spent three hours drawing circles,..
Indistinct ones,
And about the same size.
My drawing speeded up minute after minute,
And the circles were spreading like cancer…
They were perfect,
They were just black and empty,
And they covered the whole sheet of paper,
Like hundreds of eyeballs,..
All staring at me!

Clutching the blanket around my shoulders,
Sitting by the fireplace,
Watching the torturing flames,..
And the faceless figures sitting around,..
All I can hear is my breath breaking the silence.
…
I don't know what they are waiting for..
But cutting off my face will certainly complete the circle!


Once you've invited Darkness into your life,
There's no turning back.
It burrows in,
Becomes part of you,…
Just as you become part of it! (Tess Gerritsen:The Mephisto Club)

.

Incubus!

On the pursuit of self destruction I bleed,
I let go all that I need for the sake of what you want,
I'm burning it all down with me inside
Watching the vicious flames eating it little by little.

I won't break…
I'm bleeding inside.
I won't crumble…
I cannot remember.

Black out again;
Everything vanished and the walls returned as dead as they've ever been
The damned silence is deafening my ear.

My eyes are open…
I can't see through.
You can't let me talk…
I'm a filthy corpse of dead memories.

I remember opening the box and letting it all out.
It was still alive, wicked and rotten as ever,
And I can see you standing there
Like the first time I saw you…
Helpless and alienated.

Don't look at me…
I hate you like hell.
I'm steady as a rock…
I'm falling apart.

I couldn't look at the white sheet;
I do no longer want to visualize you.
Don't make me do it anymore,
Stop pushing me to the edge.

I'm standing still…
I'm being torn to pieces.
You can't see through me…
I'm dying inside.

They are still alive,
And I'm burying them again.
The smell stinks,
And I'm smiling like a corpse…

I can't wake up!