This is it!

Alfred Hitchcock for a ten years old kid…!
That bird is driving the cat crazy…
Yes, I was entertained.

It was a sick self-aging process…
I thought it was my way out, but…

Boredom is my worst nightmare, my true self, and a state that I embrace while watching amusement in others eyes!

It was never physical, or at least it was just a feeling. I mean I've never fought to catch my breath or was dying to cut my chest open…
I'm literally suffocating!

I had to live with all that and still look sane and rational like it never happened,…
But I cannot keep it inside anymore!

I've never found an explanation for one's being wicked and fighting the wicked.
...
Yes, I'm afraid of me.

"Twinkle, twinkle, little star,..",…
And a slow motioned mass massacre…
I've always wondered how they are related!

These are not hallucinations! (part 5)

I was staring at a cat,
And for 3 minutes I tried to think of an edible animal,..
I couldn't get one except...
That cat!

Day dreaming was the only thing I mastered anytime, anywhere..
It was my refuge,
My salvation..
Not anymore!
I'm trapped behind bars of reality and logic.

So at last we've got to know each other
And there was significant some kind of attraction..
So why do I feel all this resentment and hate?!!

It's an inevitable end,
A state of mind that will soon exist,
I just don't know when or where it will happen.
The crack is there, I know it…
And I'm waiting!

Going off the rails..
The restlessness that I feel whenever the idea awakens..
It's far more appealing than a sweet temptation..
It's a back door out of my self made fake image.

So I spent three hours drawing circles,..
Indistinct ones,
And about the same size.
My drawing speeded up minute after minute,
And the circles were spreading like cancer…
They were perfect,
They were just black and empty,
And they covered the whole sheet of paper,
Like hundreds of eyeballs,..
All staring at me!

Clutching the blanket around my shoulders,
Sitting by the fireplace,
Watching the torturing flames,..
And the faceless figures sitting around,..
All I can hear is my breath breaking the silence.
…
I don't know what they are waiting for..
But cutting off my face will certainly complete the circle!


Once you've invited Darkness into your life,
There's no turning back.
It burrows in,
Becomes part of you,…
Just as you become part of it! (Tess Gerritsen:The Mephisto Club)

.

Incubus!

On the pursuit of self destruction I bleed,
I let go all that I need for the sake of what you want,
I'm burning it all down with me inside
Watching the vicious flames eating it little by little.

I won't break…
I'm bleeding inside.
I won't crumble…
I cannot remember.

Black out again;
Everything vanished and the walls returned as dead as they've ever been
The damned silence is deafening my ear.

My eyes are open…
I can't see through.
You can't let me talk…
I'm a filthy corpse of dead memories.

I remember opening the box and letting it all out.
It was still alive, wicked and rotten as ever,
And I can see you standing there
Like the first time I saw you…
Helpless and alienated.

Don't look at me…
I hate you like hell.
I'm steady as a rock…
I'm falling apart.

I couldn't look at the white sheet;
I do no longer want to visualize you.
Don't make me do it anymore,
Stop pushing me to the edge.

I'm standing still…
I'm being torn to pieces.
You can't see through me…
I'm dying inside.

They are still alive,
And I'm burying them again.
The smell stinks,
And I'm smiling like a corpse…

I can't wake up!

2009

My clock is ticking and I'm running out of time....

Year 31

To be honest, I really don't care...!

The Result

You have been tested and evaluated.
And guess what...!
...

YOU FUCKING FAILED.

The Celebration!

A moving corpse with rotten remains of simple dreams.
That's what I thought.
Mirrors can mess up your mind if you gave them the chance!

I didn't utter a single word for three hours…
Just a meaningless empty look on my face,
Starring back baldly cursing the disgusting inquiring eyes.

Still stained!
Things might seem blossoming,
But in the end,… the truth is revealed.
It's just a painting in the back of your head!

The music was so loud and the figures were dancing dementedly.
The rhythm exhumed the filth underneath my skin.

Rapidly decaying inside…
Burying the cells eaten by the vicious thoughts.
The smell stinks,
And I'm waiting for my time!

I repeatedly shot myself…
Blowing my head off.
The image flashed a million times inside my head.
The surroundings turning into mere havoc.

You were just a quality,
Something to look up to.
A habit that turned into a nightmare…
A demon feeding on my mind!

Suffocating in the rotten vacant volume...
Not enough bullets in my pistol…
I made up my mind!