new crap!

When I first heard about blogging, I was really excited,...here comes the chance to talk!

I posted stuff, some old and some new, but what I realized is that I still don't talk,… I still don't say everything inside,...

OK, I understand that,... talking to strangers is a little bit hard, taking in consideration that I hardly talk about everything to even my closest friends (P.S. I call them close friends just because they're sincere, not cause they are really close and I tell them everything!).

Something holds me down and keep my mouth and my mind shut whenever I try to open up. I get excited and angry and just as I'm going to show it all, nothing happens but that empty staring look on my face, and I feel everything roaring inside my head,…shutting down all means of expressing myself. I run out of words, and I just stand still till everything calms down again, or just as it seems!

Now,...I waited for 10 minutes unable to write a single word. Short breaths, and that ache in my chest, the choking feeling, and I can't concentrate on one single thought.

Thoughts and different feelings are running inside my head like crazy,...I can feel them but I can't catch any!

Ok, I'm calming down again,...

So people call it,...what..?!...Suppressed anger,...and the cure is,…tell everything that bothers you,…open up,…!

I tried,…A LOT I can assure you,…and it never ended in a civilized way. Just when I begin to talk and get everything out,...I lose control,..., and expect everything starting from …to .., and whoever sees it all will bear my resentment and hatred till I don't know how long,...It's been years now and I still hate them to the bone!

These bursts never end,...as you may suggest…"do it over and over till everything calms down"… well, it never worked!

Now everything triggers me, it can be a look, a stare, even hearing you chewing your food, even the frequency of your voice irritates me,...! I swear I have a friend who was talking that day,...and all I was thinking about is an axe hitting his skull over and over again, and with every strike and every splash of blood striking my face, I feel comforted and thirsty for more!... and believe me,...it's not only him!

Everyone who knows me well, knows that I'm dead calm,...I love to socialize "not for long for some of the previous reasons,...and I need my space"... but just when I feel that persisting feeling of me obliged to call, hear and talk,...I go mad!

Wait a minute,...I said too much,...

Now I'm going through the lines I wrote, erasing words, sentences,...feelings!

They are mine,…not for posting and you reading them,...I know I'm going to regret it over and over again,...like every other time I decided to open up,...then I feel that emptiness and coldness inside my chest,...feeling like a hurricane just stroke my head and mind leaving them wrecked and empty!

I never said that in audible words before. I can write them, but I can't say them!

Maybe writing controls anger...nonsense!

I'm a self-taught suppressor (there's nothing called that I know)!

It began as a game or just trying something that looked cool back then, and it ended to be a habit and finally a personality.

I guess it's cause I feel like talking to myself,…Yeah, that's what I'm good at!

Having these long conversations that end up with no result, but it feels reasonable and logic. No one interrupts and preaches. I talk,...I listen carefully,...and I don't object to what I say. It's a kind of arrogance I know,…feeling that you are right and logic!

Now what,…

There's something missing between the lines,...Why is…?!

I listed lots of reasons though they hardly make sense to me,...and they can never be told. As much as they are ugly and bitter, they are...mine,...or maybe cause they are the only thing that fits in the space inside and fills it, keeping it...don't know what...filled!

It feels like your own stuff,...of course they are!

I mean like,...like beginning to love your asthma attacks just because when it stops for weeks and then strikes you again, you just say "I missed you",...Oh, that is SICK!

So,...

Do I know the solution for all that,..! Maybe,...maybe not. Maybe...!

Now If you read this, then for sure I posted it, and I'll probably hate you for reading it, and If you didn't, then...what I'm saying doesn't make any sense!!

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