NUMB

There's something about...!

2011-06-19T12:46:00.005+02:00

There's something about raw objects that attracts me!
Same for the damaged.
Maybe the imperfection..!

Love at first sight.
As soon as I lay my eyes on something raw or deformed, I get that creepy feeling that sneaks under my skin...
This thing has to be mine.
I completely have no clue whatsoever how I'm going to use it.
I just want it raw, deformed,.. and ugly!
Did I say ugly?!!
No, no it's not.
It's just the word that pops up in my mind, but I don't mean it.
I mean raw, deformed,..... and...!

It's not prejudice against shiny stuff,.. that..
That in a way, may reflect deception in humanbeings...!
They were the same as the raw stuff that once were found alienated, undiscovered,..
They should have left them alone, wild, exotic,...
....and beautiful!!

Coma

2011-05-10T14:39:00.011+02:00

Driving through the empty streets,
Listening to the radio,
Clarinet smoothly plays..
Sending tingling sensation through your nerves.
A state of hypnosis when you are helpless against your subconscious,
Where everything turns amazingly..
Abstract!

Now, the violin takes over.
Feeling like a sharp blade cutting deep inside.
So smooth that I cannot feel the pain,
So sharp that I can feel the warmth of blood seeping on my freezing skin!

Everything is grey and pale..
I love how leaves shake and tremble in the wind,
Helpless,
Trying hardly to stick together as if they are the only living creatures on the planet.
Do they feel us..?!

Percussions comes in...
The cat crawling towards the bird,
The Indian by the fire,
The symphony speeding rhythm.

His image on the rocking chair synch to the whole scene..
Memories are hanging in the air, circling around in harmony.
I know what that is..
Pre-coma feeling,..as if something like that ever exist.
Suffocation has never been so sweet.

The cat is attempting the final attack,
The bird squeaking with pain.
The Indian dancing madly.
The street lamp is flickering,
Sparks cutting through air,
My breath is speeding..!

Same meaningless smile on my face,
Watching rain drops on the windshield of my car.
My vision is blurred...!

32 and still breathing!

2009-12-02T23:33:00.012+02:00

She asked me about my age, and I replied, "33".
I found out that I was wrong when I went home, and for the next day I tried to figure out what's my real age but I failed.
Thanks to old school counting-fingers-method, I calculated it.

It's either love or hate; the in-between state doesn't suit me. It's a state of uncertainty that makes me restless.
And hate is my salvation.

I love asthma and I love nightmares.
I hate headaches and I hate nausea.
Is this Philosophy?!!

32 years…
6 years in an undefined phase,
11 years on the line of fire,
15 years of self punishment,
….
I'm a wicked wicked punisher!

"What's your goal for this year?"
….
"Ok, what do you want to do the most?"
…. (again)!
"…..?!"
I'm dead, it's just that I'm still breathing!

This is it!

2009-11-02T09:00:00.009+02:00

Alfred Hitchcock for a ten years old kid…!
That bird is driving the cat crazy…
Yes, I was entertained.

It was a sick self-aging process…
I thought it was my way out, but…

Boredom is my worst nightmare, my true self, and a state that I embrace while watching amusement in others eyes!

It was never physical, or at least it was just a feeling. I mean I've never fought to catch my breath or was dying to cut my chest open…
I'm literally suffocating!

I had to live with all that and still look sane and rational like it never happened,…
But I cannot keep it inside anymore!

I've never found an explanation for one's being wicked and fighting the wicked.
...
Yes, I'm afraid of me.

"Twinkle, twinkle, little star,..",…
And a slow motioned mass massacre…
I've always wondered how they are related!

These are not hallucinations! (part 5)

2009-07-26T09:39:00.012+03:00

I was staring at a cat,
And for 3 minutes I tried to think of an edible animal,..
I couldn't get one except...
That cat!

Day dreaming was the only thing I mastered anytime, anywhere..
It was my refuge,
My salvation..
Not anymore!
I'm trapped behind bars of reality and logic.

So at last we've got to know each other
And there was significant some kind of attraction..
So why do I feel all this resentment and hate?!!

It's an inevitable end,
A state of mind that will soon exist,
I just don't know when or where it will happen.
The crack is there, I know it…
And I'm waiting!

Going off the rails..
The restlessness that I feel whenever the idea awakens..
It's far more appealing than a sweet temptation..
It's a back door out of my self made fake image.

So I spent three hours drawing circles,..
Indistinct ones,
And about the same size.
My drawing speeded up minute after minute,
And the circles were spreading like cancer…
They were perfect,
They were just black and empty,
And they covered the whole sheet of paper,
Like hundreds of eyeballs,..
All staring at me!

Clutching the blanket around my shoulders,
Sitting by the fireplace,
Watching the torturing flames,..
And the faceless figures sitting around,..
All I can hear is my breath breaking the silence.
…
I don't know what they are waiting for..
But cutting off my face will certainly complete the circle!

Once you've invited Darkness into your life,
There's no turning back.
It burrows in,
Becomes part of you,…
Just as you become part of it! (Tess Gerritsen:The Mephisto Club)

Incubus!

2009-01-15T15:18:00.006+02:00

On the pursuit of self destruction I bleed,
I let go all that I need for the sake of what you want,
I'm burning it all down with me inside
Watching the vicious flames eating it little by little.

I won't break…
I'm bleeding inside.
I won't crumble…
I cannot remember.

Black out again;
Everything vanished and the walls returned as dead as they've ever been
The damned silence is deafening my ear.

My eyes are open…
I can't see through.
You can't let me talk…
I'm a filthy corpse of dead memories.

I remember opening the box and letting it all out.
It was still alive, wicked and rotten as ever,
And I can see you standing there
Like the first time I saw you…
Helpless and alienated.

Don't look at me…
I hate you like hell.
I'm steady as a rock…
I'm falling apart.

I couldn't look at the white sheet;
I do no longer want to visualize you.
Don't make me do it anymore,
Stop pushing me to the edge.

I'm standing still…
I'm being torn to pieces.
You can't see through me…
I'm dying inside.

They are still alive,
And I'm burying them again.
The smell stinks,
And I'm smiling like a corpse…

I can't wake up!

2009

2009-01-08T14:57:00.001+02:00

My clock is ticking and I'm running out of time....

Year 31

2008-12-02T15:31:00.002+02:00

To be honest, I really don't care...!

The Result

2008-11-26T10:11:00.009+02:00

You have been tested and evaluated.
And guess what...!
...

YOU FUCKING FAILED.

The Celebration!

2008-10-08T22:01:00.013+02:00

A moving corpse with rotten remains of simple dreams.
That's what I thought.
Mirrors can mess up your mind if you gave them the chance!

I didn't utter a single word for three hours…
Just a meaningless empty look on my face,
Starring back baldly cursing the disgusting inquiring eyes.

Still stained!
Things might seem blossoming,
But in the end,… the truth is revealed.
It's just a painting in the back of your head!

The music was so loud and the figures were dancing dementedly.
The rhythm exhumed the filth underneath my skin.

Rapidly decaying inside…
Burying the cells eaten by the vicious thoughts.
The smell stinks,
And I'm waiting for my time!

I repeatedly shot myself…
Blowing my head off.
The image flashed a million times inside my head.
The surroundings turning into mere havoc.

You were just a quality,
Something to look up to.
A habit that turned into a nightmare…
A demon feeding on my mind!

Suffocating in the rotten vacant volume...
Not enough bullets in my pistol…
I made up my mind!

Tagged by Evaluna

2008-08-19T18:00:00.008+03:00

RULES:
1. Put your iTunes/music player on Shuffle,
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer,
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER WHAT!!
After you’ve answered all of the questions, tag 5 other people and then let them know they’ve been tagged to do them themselves.

1. IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY” YOU SAY?
Blackout – Muse
**This is not a good start!

2. WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Dinosaur – King Crimson
**E7em… beyt'haya2ly as'3ar showaya!

3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Hello - Evanescence
**Is this a bad answer?!

4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Wake up hate - Korn
**Yeah, almost everyday!

5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
My December – Linkin Park
**Well, my birthday is 2/12, so…!

6. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Uninvited – Alanis Morissette
**NOOOO, NO, this is a naughty test!

7. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
Pic nic – Maniacs Vs Sharkiat
**LOOOOL

8. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Commissar - Savatage
**Irrelevant, and I hope it stays like this...

9. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
I've seen it all - Bjork & Thom Yorke
**Yeah,… and the current list is empty!!

10. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Come Undone – Duran Duran
**huh..??!

11. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Amnesia – Jessica Bailiff
** Good idea!

12. WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Isobel - Dido
**LOL :)

13. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Broken - Evanescence & Seether
**I don't want to know, but sure it's not broken!
**This post must be deleted :)

14. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Love Scenes – Beverly Craven
**Can't do that :)

15. WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Bolero – Maurice Ravel
**Hehe, I can imagine that :)

16. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Just for now – Imogen Heap
**Haha, You got it totally wrong you stupid test :)

17. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Fi Skoot el Lail – Kamilya Jubran
**Damn!

18. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
A Thousand Years - Sting
**Exactly, Long time no see!

19. WHAT SHOULD YOU POST THIS AS?
Break Stuff – Limb Bizkit
**LOL,….It is !

20. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOURSELF?
Turn the Page – Metallica
**A7san 7aga, kefaya 2el3ak 2elly foo2 :)

These are not hallucinations! (part 4)

2008-07-26T16:52:00.030+03:00

These are not hallucinations! (part1)
These are not hallucinations! (part2)
These are not hallucinations! (part3)

I'm not sure if what we had back then was for real.
It was the first time for me to feel that…
That I'm dying.

The idea that you can read people's minds is amazing.
I happened to experience that once before.
It's hideous!
And your life will never be the same afterwards.

I stood there watching and I did nothing.
That's what I did every time.
A deadly combination of fear and love…
And that's how I developed hate!

Adapting…
It's a process you go through when you can't fit into a particular situation.
But what if you got used to doing it over and over again, then…
Then suddenly you decided to stop?

I almost forgot how a normal sleep would be.
So I developed a new definition…
It's a state close to death when you wake up in the middle chocking or feeling that your blood pressure is going to tear your chest open. And if you made it through, you'll suffer through a series of nightmares till you eventually…
Do not die!

Don't get me wrong, I just can't help it!!
It's the only thing that pops up into my mind when you talk...
The blood splash when I smash your skull.
… !
You look charming with that axe next to…
…your decapitated corpse.

I can't figure out till now why or how our friendship came to an end!
We both just stopped calling.
I regret it, you know?
You were...
You were my FRIEND.

You people have been talking for the last three hours, and just saying shitty nonsense,..
and you look happy you,…you…
YOU MOTHER FUCKING FREAKS!

Drawing on red paper is so annoying.
There's too much red that…
That there's not enough contrast for my blood!!

I'm not easily provoked my friend!
I'm a fuckin' maniac who'll peel your skin off your face if I ever heard you… talking, laughing or even chewing food…!!

Same old me!
Eye contact,
Thoughts and words are rushing through my brain like freakin' bats out of hell, but never make it to…
Still there…
Tongue?!

I hate the horn of the ferry,
and I hate celebrations.
They remind me of…
the end!

I don't know how long it will last.
I don't know how long I'm going to bear it.
It seems like an endless vortex that keeps going on and on!
I'm drowning myself inside!

Here you are!

2008-07-09T08:50:00.014+03:00

Suddenly everything became colorful and bright.
Now, I can see everything from a different perspective.
An overwhelming feeling and cellular celebration of my whole body.
A smile on my face that shines and grows to light everything around.
I feel like every part of me is dancing in an unstoppable rhythm.
It's happiness...
A fascinating painting of cheer and utter joy!
….!
…

IS THAT WHAT YOU ALL WANT..?!!

JUST GIVE ME A FUCKIN' BREAK!!!

Slay

2008-06-11T13:02:00.001+03:00

Till the time comes!

2008-06-03T12:35:00.013+03:00

Poison is occasionally served in a nice pack as in disguise: glass of wine, a chocolate,….
That' what makes it mostly too late to reverse the process.
Shells and packs are so important. Take care of them till the time comes…!

I cannot remember when or where I heard those words, but they keep flashing in my head…
…!
……
Sounds like someone I know!

I don't have a clear mind all the time, even when I'm listening to someone, I still think about something else.
….
Yes, to a risky extent, and no matter the situation. I sleep on high ways or even crowded streets during rush hours when those horns are deafening your ears. My eyelids just go down as if tons of weights are tied to them.

He changed,… starting from being freakishly nervous and stressed to finding the truth about people’s good deeds and starting to doubt every move they make which really gave amazing results, at least it made sense to actions that were so vague to him!
One day, he'll admit my credit…!

Ninety-five percent of my sleep is nightmares and that's how they occur…
The first hour is dreaming that I'm chocking and paralyzed (it literarily happens)...
I cannot move a toe,
I cannot breathe,
a huge weight on my chest,
and all I can do is shake in one piece and murmur.
It happens 2-3 times, and then I indulge myself in an ocean of nightmares that ….
Then I may have some kind of regular fights and rage episodes with people I know and don't know, and…
…
It's morning, the alarm clock is breaking the silence and it's time to wake up feeling tired, exhausted and extremely pissed off like I've never slept in the first place
The thing is that when a night passes without those nightmares, I get a strange feeling that something precious is missing.
It's sick, I know how this sounds, but that's how…
What's that…?!

I told him to let go, so he gave that speech about his reputation, people's love and respect, and that social crap!
Poor guy!
He doesn't know how it feels to be a loose cannon, so that's why I'm giving him a long time treatment.
I fatigue him till he cracks and unleashes rage. He finds it strange and irritating though he's beginning to prefer fear in people's eyes rather than respect.
He's going to be ok one day,… mine I mean!

Oh, I love these fucking flickering neon lights and their reflected image on the glass of my desk.
It makes you feel…
Hypnotized!

Do they know about the creature hiding in the figure of "Him" they know.
Well, this guy is just great. He reveals nothing of what's going on inside. I can do whatever I want and he just puts a meaningless smile on his face. They know there's something going on inside but they cannot exactly figure it out.
But, I guess I'm doing much more activity than before, so this Shell "Him" sometimes falls down or crack and I'm EXPOSED.
It's chaos when that happens, 'cause everything is fucking out of control.
But, still it's going fine. Maybe I'll need to reduce my activity a little bit, as I prefer not to get exposed frequently till total transformation takes place.

...?!!
What transformation?!
…
Human Silence, how I love it…
Listening just to nature and yourself,
exposing the unspoken to the surroundings, and taking off your masks…
revealing everything that's ugly and personal.

What transformation,.. ?!
Oh dear, you are hallucinating again!

The isolation technique,…it works fine.
Just put all what's bothering you in a box and leave it there in that dark corner of your mind.
You can see it, but you pretend it's not in your view.
Just leave it there till the time comes.
…
Why do I get that weird feeling that I'm undergoing some kind of a bizarre process?!!

Reflections!

2008-04-25T23:41:00.005+03:00

The fading neon light is amazing. It's a perfect condition for your mind to mess up with you, especially with sleep deprivation!
…
Did I fall asleep?!

Going through the names and phone numbers, I hardly remember any of them. They are all somehow familiar but you cannot recall when or where you met those people or why was it so important to take their phone numbers!
It's a process…
Going through the names and deleting the ones that you do not know…
Parasites…
…
That's what I call them!

The reflection of light sources on the glass of my desk..
Seems like a...
These voices...
The number of reflections exceeds the source!
Is it possible to pass through the..?!

All of your thoughts cannot be revealed.
The unspoken precious cancer spots that eat away your sanity!
Trying to unload them,…
Then you feel cold and empty, missing the warmth of the burden you were keeping inside.
And you cannot tolerate the fresh air that finally finds a way to your chest and deprive you from the sweet chocking feeling!!

I did not fall asleep..
Why is it dark outside?
I guess I arrived 8 o'clock in the morning..!
…
It's scary how your reflection watches you from the other side, especially when it walks away towards these excess reflections of light spots!

Ok, I know you quite well, and I know you are not suicidal, but these images are extremely unhealthy I can assure you…
The speeding bullet tearing you brain cells and violating their privacy as it passes to the other side of your skull, splashing the contents all around…!

Oh, that dream?!
Yeah, we all have it from time to time.
It's a long long journey, though it takes a few seconds to embrace the ground.
But you never know how it's going to feel?!

And the Oscar goes to... !

2008-04-10T13:38:00.010+02:00

So I never though about acting or participating in a play!
I was content with watching the characters and events taking place, fascinated, shocked or even feeling down with all what happens.
And I used to believe it all!!
I did not intend to have a role. It was just more than enough for me to just watch till I found that things do not make sense.
Like this fellow "K" who seemed to be nice and cool, but somehow all that results form his actions is just evil and mean. I didn't pay much attention in the first place but in the back of my mind things were analyzed and put together till everything was eventually clear!

When things start making no sense to you, the conspiracy theory is a perfect candidate to figure everything out. Yes, all the inputs and clues perfectly tie together.
This is when I decided to get involved!

It's disgusting..
Yes, "That one may smile, and smile, and be a villain" (Hamlet) …. "TRUE"
Now, I'm in a fucking ridiculous play. We are all friends, that's what the audience see. But the vicious and cruel stabbing is taking place behind.

Damn it!
I just can't stab someone in the back, though I'm a good student and I'm learning. But I hope that my final stab will be in the face, straight to the chest, not out of nobility (I'm too confused to know) but to watch the eyes dying and fading away!

Ok, just keep buying it. You may have already known that I found out about your real disgusting character, but you'll never get a clear declaration from me. I'll keep that provoking smile on my face and that meaningless look. I'll keep you wondering about my next step.
And be sure that I respect a dirty bitch more than you!!

These are not hallucinations! (part 3)

2007-12-27T01:22:00.000+02:00

These are not hallucinations! (part1)
These are not hallucinations! (part2)

There’s something wrong about cold this winter. I feel it but I can’t…dunno…”FEEL” it ...!
It’s there I know, but it’s like that I just don’t care!

When you have a nightmare almost every night, you kinda get used to it.
Actually you wait for it and feed it with all the filth and crap before you close your eyes.
I was faithful to you, so why did you damned nightmare stop visiting me after 15 years ?!!
Why did you keep me wondering why you left like I was wondering why you came in the first place?

Being evil is easy.
Being Virtuous is hard.
Staying in the middle is torturing.
And I can’t still figure out where am I ?!

It wasn’t cruelty to act the way I did,…
It’s just that I was too weak to go on like this.
I slaughtered both of us so as not to suffer afterwards.
But we did not die…
We lived,..
and had all the sufferings.

My lovely Bird,
When you died 24 years ago I was so angry and devastated to see you lying in your grave (aka the trash can) and I couldn’t think about anything but how am I going to live without you?
Now, I’m wondering,…
Did u suffer when you died from thirst?
Was it pulses of pain that went through you nervous system shaking your body when you were squeaking in the sunny balcony, seeing your pot of water spelt under your feet?!

We danced like we’ve never danced before.
We kept going round and round in circles on the dance floor.
The colors gradually mixed in a glowing rainbow.
People developed to ghosts and shadows.
I felt that everything was moving with the speed of light and we were just dancing in slow motion.
Did I hear you saying: “I love you” ?!

I’m being consumed..
Decaying slowly like a gentle breeze,…fast as an enormous wave,…and I’m just staring helpless!

I know that lonely child standing there.
I love him,…
I pity him,..
I just want to go there and give him a big hug, and whisper in his ears how much…
How much I hate him!

30

2007-12-02T18:59:00.000+02:00

Ok...

Another year,

Another Winter..!

Nothing has changed on the outside…

I’m restless and irritated,...maybe ‘cause I hate getting old!

I had a lot in mind to write down, but as soon as I started, every single thought inside my head simply vanished!

Got a Complaint in the System!

2007-11-25T21:29:00.000+02:00

So whether we work hard or not,…eventually we get the same ratings in the system.

Well,…I hope that was the case, at least, one can be able to tolerate that. But what is unbearable is the OTHER standards for rating people, which by the way have nothing to do with being efficient or hardworking or even intelligent!

It’s being an ass kisser, being able to make a propaganda out of nothing, being able to not to work but still look like you do through making others get the job done. And hey,….you people who are shouting out there saying: “That’s not their fault, it’s other’s who get the job done and give them that opportunity”,....It’s not that easy!

You know why?!!

‘cause the system TOTALLY support this type of people: the blood sucking, filthy, insensitive, mother fucking creatures!!!
All that matters is looking great, getting the job done perfectly (doesn’t matter the essence of the job by the way) no matter the casualties or who did it and who did not participate.

Ok, even that one can try to tolerate and swallow it deep with bitterness, BUT…

When it comes to giving privileges to the non-working type and forgetting all about others who are working to the bone giving work the first priority over their personal interests and needs,…

When it comes to deprivation from lawful rights or offering the leftover or the rejected opportunities (that were refined over and over till no one wants to take them) as if it was some kind of special treatment,…

This is what I CANNOT STAND!

No,…sorry,…I’M GONNA BREAK YOUR FUCKIN’ FACE TONIGHT !!

DAMN IT !!

I hate you!

2007-11-09T14:26:00.000+02:00

You’re back!

I knew it, and I expected you, because you’ve never left in the first place.

You were always here, hiding, though we were always seeing each other!

Oh my God!

I still remember these awful memories, the bloody fights, the battles I’ve gone through. I was such a stubborn opponent, and you were such an atrocious filthy enemy.

You struck in the dark, anywhere, anytime. You were a merciless beast and I did everything trying to stop you, to vanquish you!

Sometimes I was somehow close to conquering you, but I was worn out and fatigued and I couldn’t continue.

I fell down!

Yes,…

I finally admit it…

You conquered me and I was dramatically defeated. Six years ago I admitted defeat. I chose to stop fighting because I wasn’t going anywhere. And even though, you did not leave me alone. You watched me fall in humiliation and imprisoned me behind bars of fear. A barrier that hindered any kind of pleasure.

It’s so ironic how I’m dealing with you as if you were real, like us,…blood and flesh. You are alive, but you are not. Damn you, I don’t know where or how you appeared in my life. Maybe I was too ignorant to know that you were a fast growing monster, a vicious weed that spread inside my head like fire and occupied it for 13 years!

I fear you!

I fear you to the bone.

You are my worst nightmare ever.

You deprived me from feeling or sensing happiness or peace of mind!

I’ve never admitted defeat in my entire life, except this time. You left me a taste of bitterness and humiliation that’ll stay till I die.

You haunt me in every place, all the time, and I can’t escape.

I know you won’t set me free. I’ve tried every once and a while to fight you again, but I lack my past strength. I’m trying again but I know how it might end this time. Lots of things have changed, and if I fell down this time, I’ll lose everything.

You know how I think, where and when I’ll hit you, and damn your fast learning capabilities. I just can’t tolerate your strikes anymore. You strike the old wounds, and every time you hit me, you shake my entire life.

I hate you..

I HATE YOU!

And You're Lost!

2007-10-14T21:47:00.001+02:00

There are things better be buried and forgotten forever, though you’ll never be able to leave them way behind without finding yourself one day unconsciously digging deep and exhuming your atrocious fears and memories!

It’s a state of restlessness, knowing that there’s something wicked back there inside your head howling underneath, disfiguring you from the inside and leaving you in a state between nightmares and desolate reality and a yearning for inner peace which leads to self-hatred and unjustified rage.

So you become nothing but a savage beast,…living on the edge,…hardly caring about anything,…and your mind, which is totally obscured by dark thoughts, only feels secure when it’s in the wild and not behind some fragile smooth fancy curtains of serenity and content!

Finally,…you pay the price, fall down, fatigued from overloading your nervous system, and in need for peace and emotional satisfaction which you devour with a sense of disgust for being such a pathetic creature; That’s when the beast inside begin to roar again trying to eliminate the bitter taste of human weakness and you find yourself lost on the way to redemption!

A poem for Kids 2

2007-09-16T17:24:00.000+02:00

For the Kids who missed the first poem:
A Poem for Kids 1

Freaky freaks are on the peak.
Lunacy is what you seek.
Just punch your eyes
And let them leak.

Flicks and tricks,
Sticks and bricks,
Shots and stabs
Are just for kicks.

Cut the crap,
Just take a nap.
I'll leave you alone,
Can't you see the trap?

A growing bud,
Drops of blood,
Stains on sleeves,
All buried in mud.

Late at night
Stars are bright.
I'm next to a corpse
Paralyzed with fright.

Tears and sighs
Sometimes are lies.
But deep inside
You'll hear the cries.

Through your mind
You'll dig to find
Truth and deceit
And fear that's blind.

Reread the lines,
They're not just rhymes.
You're hypnotized
By shining signs!

.

Ctrl-Alt-Del

2007-09-03T21:39:00.000+03:00

I'm CONFUSED!!

For the first time in my life, I began to doubt my judgments, and worse...

I began doubting my way of thinking (that seemed logical to me), but somehow the results didn't fit with the surroundings.

Something is wrong in the loop. Did I miss some givens, or did I neglect an important condition to apply the equation.

PAUSE..

What equation?!!

Who taught me this way of thinking,… I mean the since-therefore method?!

CONTINUE..

Now it feels sick to hear me talk and think that way. We are human beings, not machines and processors. I know some logic is important in one's life, but when logic takes over, it gradually sets aside feelings. So did I do that?!

Ok, I think a lot, maybe more than normal, but confusion, especially concerning my ethical and logical system was never a possibility!

But when you strike the closed window (previously and wrongly proven to be open), then you have to stop and revise your calculations or the equation you used, and start searching for the bug!!

No brain storming yet, but going through the lines made me consider omitting or neglecting some possibilities that could have ruined the program.

Arrogance, Selfishness, and maybe a deformed logic (wrongly stated correct by default) were the candidates in my preliminary analysis, and these results were really SHOCKING!

PAUSE..

A Corrective Action has to be done immediately, then re-run the program.

CONTINUE..

Wrong!!

Again you are a human being, not a processor, changes can't be undone. They have already existed, maybe you can fix them or set them aside and start over and get new results!

But what if I wasn't wrong?

What if I can't replace or fix my deformed logic?

What if wasn't an updated version?

What if I used a healthy logic in an infected (contaminated) operating system (environment)?

What if I was really arrogant, selfish and…. (scared of thinking of the rest)?

To be continued,...or not!
.

Crumbling!

2007-07-23T09:45:00.000+03:00

The carousel is spinning,
A cup of coffee,
A picture that stands still.
Just a deja vu of a name..
engraved on a piece of wood.

Lots of things I see in the shade
A flickering candle,
A moving curtain,
A little boy with a smile..
marked on his dead face.

An old note I wrote before
Pencil marks have such a style
A cigarette burn,
blood on my sleeve,
With shaking hands I picked a knife.

I can see you standing there..
still like last time we met,
same smile upon your face.
A memory, a dream, a nightmare
I just failed to win your hatred.

You are sick
Though he knows it well,
A fact that seemed so logic and sane,
Just hearing it..
feels like cutting through your flesh.
.

The Countdown!

2007-07-18T22:34:00.000+03:00

"It is not these well-fed long-haired men that I fear, but the pale and the hungry-looking."

- Julius Caesar -
.

Unsigned Painting!

2007-07-01T14:22:00.000+03:00

November 15
It's cloudy and I guess it's going to rain. As usual I sat next to the open window enjoying the chill of the cold winter and the murky sky!
Aimlessly I pulled a chair next to my dashboard, took my brush and began to paint.

With soft and lazy strokes I drew him next to the table in a dark room with a faint light of a small lamp,...
a glass of beer half full on the table and a pistol in his hand.

November 21
I rarely finish a painting in one day. I may start it and finish it a month later. I like Mozart, the music just suits your mood whatever it is.

It was all in black and white,… the man, the table,…
I added a window, and a bird outside shivering from cold,…
And with quick strokes I drew rain and wind…

November 24
Yesterday, I felt a little sick, and I stayed in bed all day long,…did nothing but watch the ceiling and I didn't utter a single word…
There must be some connection between insanity and peace of mind. I guess only the insane can have these rare pure moments of utmost peace or may be it's some kind of temporary amnesia when you can remember or see nothing but the color white,…or black!

Watching the birds shaking its wings, and with empty looks, he loaded the pistol with hesitant hands. He took the final decision, but the idea made him shudder…
One bullet is quite enough…one shot will do the job.

December 2
I figured out something today…Deafness isn't always physical, sometimes you can choose not to hear,…to the extent that you see the lips moving and you hear nothing but yourself or you can't hear at all,…or even feel...
That's really strange!

It seemed to be a good idea; he'll take everything out of his head. Imagining the blood splash, sketching his poems, pain and memories back on the wall…
A memorial painting, signed by his own hands!
With his finger on the trigger,…
he swallowed the barrel,…
took a look at the bird outside…
One last breath…
And he closed his eyes.
.

شعور...ولكن

2007-06-14T13:16:00.001+03:00

فجأة تشعر بأن هناك شىء مختلف..

إنه ذلك الشعور الذى لا يمكن وصفه غير أن فيه شىء من السعادة المبهمة،..

موجة من الإرتياح..

لمحة من التفاؤل ملأت كيانك كله..

وكأن هناك حدث سعيد ينتظرك ولكنك لا تدرى ما هو..

فقط شعور بأن هناك شىء جديد قد مر بك أو خبر عرفته ولكنك لا تتذكره.

تعيش لحظات من النشوة والأمل،... وترتسم الابتسامة على شفتيك!

ولكنك تتعلم مع الوقت أن تغتنم تلك الفرصة،..

ولا تحاول نبش دواخل نفسك وعقلك باحثاً عن مصدر هذا الشعور أو سببه..

لأنك لن تجد شيئاً غير قدر لا بأس به من الهموم، والكآبة الدفينة..

والكفيل بقلب حالك رأساً على عقب..

فقط لتكتشف أن مصدر هذه السعادة هو نوبة قلق، أو توتر.. غير مسببة،..

ولكن جهازك العصبى المهترىء قد أخطا تفسيرها!

To Myself!

2007-06-01T14:13:00.000+03:00

Dear Myself,

It's been a long time since we spent sometime together sharing thoughts and dreams, and even doing things we're interested in!

Yes, I remember the long conversations we had, though sometimes they were gloomy and depressing, but for sure we shared such happy moments that I'll never forget.

I sometimes sit down and think about this unique relationship that I doubt anyone had ever experienced, for it was strong and pure. We didn't seek any benefit from each other except those laughs and smiles and of course those dark thoughts that we knew for sure no one would ever know about them!

I missed the times we spent painting, listening to music and even making handcrafts for hours and hours without feeling tired or bored.

I really miss you, and I don't know how or when we lost each other in the middle of all that chaos and troubles. I doubt that you feel comfortable without me, and I wish you know how much I need you right now!

Hope to hear from you soon, and I know you will...

And If I didn't,...

may you rest in peace!

These are not hallucinations! (part 2)

2007-05-12T15:34:00.000+03:00

He was crawling up the wall with quick short steps, and every now and then he looked back at me with a wondering stare…
All I did was looking back at him with hate,…he was locked up there forever…
on the wall !

He said: "If you did not hold my hands now I won't hold yours forever"…
She cried and held his hands tight…
That was 20 years ago!!

It was 3 o'clock in the morning when I woke up feeling thirsty…
I got up to drink something,…that's when I found ME standing in the shade…staring…
I wonder what I had in mind back then!

So I took a side step and continued walking,…took a deep breath and closed my eyes,…
I listened to the roaring engine coming from behind and passing by…
I guess one step was a little far from the middle of the road.

The plan was so simple…
I'll poison him gradually and I'll watch him feeling sick everyday, not knowing the cause of his illness…
The idea was so relieving!

It's been a habit now…
I have five unfinished paintings,…and I'm starting a new one!

We kept talking for six hours though we had never talked or seen each other before.
I didn't see her and we've never talked since then!

I used to get him his glasses in the dark,…I run as fast as I can, get the glasses, make scary faces in the mirror, then run back to him shivering…
Is that normal for a 7 years old boy?!!

The painting was supposed to be decorative, and it was,…till I found out one day that I drew the scariest face ever,…so I took it off the wall and didn't look at it for about a year.
I didn't intend to draw that face,…did I ?!!

.

new crap!

2007-04-26T20:51:00.000+02:00

When I first heard about blogging, I was really excited,...here comes the chance to talk!

I posted stuff, some old and some new, but what I realized is that I still don't talk,… I still don't say everything inside,...

OK, I understand that,... talking to strangers is a little bit hard, taking in consideration that I hardly talk about everything to even my closest friends (P.S. I call them close friends just because they're sincere, not cause they are really close and I tell them everything!).

Something holds me down and keep my mouth and my mind shut whenever I try to open up. I get excited and angry and just as I'm going to show it all, nothing happens but that empty staring look on my face, and I feel everything roaring inside my head,…shutting down all means of expressing myself. I run out of words, and I just stand still till everything calms down again, or just as it seems!

Now,...I waited for 10 minutes unable to write a single word. Short breaths, and that ache in my chest, the choking feeling, and I can't concentrate on one single thought.

Thoughts and different feelings are running inside my head like crazy,...I can feel them but I can't catch any!

Ok, I'm calming down again,...

So people call it,...what..?!...Suppressed anger,...and the cure is,…tell everything that bothers you,…open up,…!

I tried,…A LOT I can assure you,…and it never ended in a civilized way. Just when I begin to talk and get everything out,...I lose control,..., and expect everything starting from …to .., and whoever sees it all will bear my resentment and hatred till I don't know how long,...It's been years now and I still hate them to the bone!

These bursts never end,...as you may suggest…"do it over and over till everything calms down"… well, it never worked!

Now everything triggers me, it can be a look, a stare, even hearing you chewing your food, even the frequency of your voice irritates me,...! I swear I have a friend who was talking that day,...and all I was thinking about is an axe hitting his skull over and over again, and with every strike and every splash of blood striking my face, I feel comforted and thirsty for more!... and believe me,...it's not only him!

Everyone who knows me well, knows that I'm dead calm,...I love to socialize "not for long for some of the previous reasons,...and I need my space"... but just when I feel that persisting feeling of me obliged to call, hear and talk,...I go mad!

Wait a minute,...I said too much,...

Now I'm going through the lines I wrote, erasing words, sentences,...feelings!

They are mine,…not for posting and you reading them,...I know I'm going to regret it over and over again,...like every other time I decided to open up,...then I feel that emptiness and coldness inside my chest,...feeling like a hurricane just stroke my head and mind leaving them wrecked and empty!

I never said that in audible words before. I can write them, but I can't say them!

Maybe writing controls anger...nonsense!

I'm a self-taught suppressor (there's nothing called that I know)!

It began as a game or just trying something that looked cool back then, and it ended to be a habit and finally a personality.

I guess it's cause I feel like talking to myself,…Yeah, that's what I'm good at!

Having these long conversations that end up with no result, but it feels reasonable and logic. No one interrupts and preaches. I talk,...I listen carefully,...and I don't object to what I say. It's a kind of arrogance I know,…feeling that you are right and logic!

Now what,…

There's something missing between the lines,...Why is…?!

I listed lots of reasons though they hardly make sense to me,...and they can never be told. As much as they are ugly and bitter, they are...mine,...or maybe cause they are the only thing that fits in the space inside and fills it, keeping it...don't know what...filled!

It feels like your own stuff,...of course they are!

I mean like,...like beginning to love your asthma attacks just because when it stops for weeks and then strikes you again, you just say "I missed you",...Oh, that is SICK!

So,...

Do I know the solution for all that,..! Maybe,...maybe not. Maybe...!

Now If you read this, then for sure I posted it, and I'll probably hate you for reading it, and If you didn't, then...what I'm saying doesn't make any sense!!

Tagged by ma-3lina!

2007-04-10T15:53:00.000+02:00

I was tagged by ma-3lina to do this (What Famous Leader Are You?) personality test which is a little bit weird!!
so here's my result..

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

and I pass this tag to the following victims:

EL Sede3' , Two Pairs of Eyes , Epitaph , Organized Chaos , frozen love , hoby , memo

have fun !
.

Insomnia !

2007-03-25T21:41:00.001+02:00

Wake up…

What?!

I can't sleep…

You are always awake!

Whatever…! Still resisting?

…..

By the way, I can take control of everything, but I want you to decide.

It's my life and my mind, you'll always live in the shadows.

Arrogance,…extreme unjustified confidence!
You are falling, can't you see?!
I complete you,… I ease your troubles…I know what's best for you…
You can't hide me anymore!

You are evil…You oppose my ethics.

Ethics?!!... *APPLAUSE*
Now you are telling me about ethics Mr. Preacher!
Remember,…your plan,…driven by hate,…ring a bell?!!

You are the cause for what happened,… the chaos,… the whole situation.

PATHETIC,… I do what you cannot do, what you fail to fulfill,… you are just a mask,... you are my cover!
I AM REALITY,…and you are just despicable human weakness…!!

ENOUGH,…I fought and conquered so many times, losing a battle doesn't mean that I lost the war!!

You fought?!!
I tortured you to forge a warrior,…
Mercy is weakness, Ethics will tie you down, and I SHALL RISE WITH OR WITHOUT YOU….

You are the devil,… keep howling and pawing,… you won't take me.

IDIOT,…the devil is weak,…and I am strong and unbeatable,…I am everything you are not,…
I am Vanity,… Wrath,… Envy,… Greed,…
I am the pain in your chest,…I am the bucking in your head,…
You die,…I die,…Seeking salvation?!!

NO,..I WON'T…

Wake up…

What?!

I can't sleep…!!!

These are not hallucinations! (part1)

2007-03-14T14:49:00.000+02:00

I don't know what happened, I was walking in the middle of the school playground then I found myself sitting next to the school fence and there are complete 15 minutes missing from my memory and…
What is that headache!!

tick...tock...tick...tock...tick...tock...

I was crossing the street and I found that bus passing so fast and 2 inches close to me,...I stood still watching another car heading to smash my body...
Why am I not afraid...?!

tick...tock...tick...tock...tick...tock...

And so I decided to burn that new pullover, it just seemed to be a little larger than I thought,...
I didn't return it back to the store; I just burnt it...
What's wrong with that, hate means burn!!

tick...tock...tick...tock...tick...tock...

I got a cigarette burn in my forehead when I was a kid,...
Will it hurt like it did before?!!

tick...tock...tick...tock...tick...tock...

Rocky Balboa,...I know the film wasn't gr8, but I missed the old Rocky and I had to watch him once more,...just for the old times!!

tick...tock...tick...tock...tick...tock...

I like pets,...
One day I'm going to have a wolf and an owl,…maybe a tiger if the place fits!!
They never lie,...if they are hungry, they will eat you,...straight and simple!!

tick...tock...tick...tock...tick...tock...

Clocks are amazing,...
They tick & tock and tell you that you are not dead!!
.

اليــوم

2007-03-02T20:12:00.000+02:00

اليوم تدق طبول الحرب،
تعلن مقتل..
تعلن صحوة..
أم هى غفوة..
نحو الموت.

اليوم أخوض بحار خيالاتى،
وأصارع أمواج دمائى..
بالأمس كانت تحمل أحلاماً..
صارت أوهاماً وهباء.
بل هى أوتاد..
تنغرس بصدرى،
تقطع.. تدمى،
وجروحى تنزف ذكريات.

اليوم حداد على الأشلاء..
أشلاء كانت كلمات..
ووعود..
وقلوب تنبض بحياة.

اليوم أسير إلى الأعماق،
أعبر جثث الأحلام..
أترانى أكفنها..
أم تكتب يدى..
إعلان وفاة.

just...donno!

2007-02-23T15:19:00.000+02:00

Watching the hero taking the punches, the bullets, and just waiting till the last moment to attack and conquer then die with the smile of triumph on his face, have always been fascinating to me.
Well,...
it's not anymore!!
.

! عيناها

2007-02-09T14:11:00.000+02:00

عيناها...
ما زالت ترمق ظهره،
تشاهده يغادر،
يبتعد.

عيناها...
تحكى كل شىء..
همسات،
لمسات رقيق،
دفء الحنان.

عيناها...
مازالت تتباعه..
يختفى عن الأنظار..
تطارده بذكرياتهما،
تدعوه للعودة،
للالتفات..
ليعانق مشاعرها..
الهائمة وراءه.

عيناها...
ترجوه،
تطلب فقط..
نظرة أخيرة
.

Tagged by Hafsa!

2007-02-08T10:03:00.000+02:00

ايه اللي حيحصل لايميلك لما تموت ؟
عادى يعنى, مش فارقة!

اديت الباس وورد لحد قبل كده؟
لا..

اسمك؟
أحمد

اسم الدلع المشهور في وسط اصحابك؟
وليه الدلع أصلاً!

عمرك؟
29

برجك؟
القوس

مجالك او مجال دراستك ؟
الهندزة بال"ز" ودى غير الهندسة, يعنى دراسات متقدمة بعد بكالوريوس الهندسة

شخصيتك نوعها ايه؟
عايز الحقيقية ولا البلاستيك؟!

السفر بالنسبة لك؟
حلو لو رايح مكان هادى أو محدش يعرفنى فيه.

المود بتاعك؟
متذبذب جداً, غير إنى عصبى طينة بس كل ده تقريباً مبيظهرش.

وقت فراغك بتعمل فيه اية؟
الرسم أو الاستمتاع بالهدوء!

الاكلة المفضلة؟
أى حاجة مشوية, ومبحبش النشويات.

الصفات اللي خدتها من ماما؟
كل حاجة.

الصفات اللي خدتها من بابا؟
كل حاجة برضو.

اكتر 6 حاجات بتكرهها؟
الضوضاء والصوت العالى
الجليطة
الجدال
الإهمال
النطاعة
اللحم الضانىء

اكتر 6 حاجات بتحبها؟
الموسيقى
الهدوء
البحر
الرسم
المرتفعات
القطط

الشغل بالنسبة لك؟
مابلاش أحسن, بس حتى الآن معملتش إللى كان فى بالى.

ايه الكومبيوتر والانترنت بالنسبة لك؟
شىء أساسى مقدرش أستغنى عنه

Obliterated!

2007-01-28T19:53:00.000+02:00

Again I'm riding the dark horse,
Running through the labyrinth…
My friends are watching the cat dying…

I can Kill,
But I'm not dead.

I'm lost,
The doors are closed,
The painting on the wall is upside down.

I may smile,
But I can't forget.

The cat is watching my friends dying...
Dragged through the labyrinth I bleed…
The White horse is singing to the snake.

I can Lie,
But I can't betray.

Same paralysis every time,
I can't breathe nor move,
My hands are tied up...

I can't escape,
But I can hide.
.............
Still There ?!!
.

يامسافر وحدك

2007-01-15T15:39:00.000+02:00

منتصف الليل،

إضاءة المكتب الخافتة..

ألتمس بعض الدفء من خلال كوب الشاى أمامى..

صوت نجاة ينبعث من المذياع..

يامسافر وحدك

يامسافر وحدك ..وفايتنى

ليه تبعد عنى

ليه تبعد عنى..وتشغلنى

تنساب الكلمات الرقيقة إلى قلبى،

أرتجف للحظة..

أترانى وحدى أتذكر،

أترانى وحدى أستعيد تلك الذكرى،

لماذا يأبى ذلك الجرح ألا يلتئم؟

ودعنى..من غير متسلم

وكفاية قلبى أنا مسلم

يعود صوت نجاة ليداعب عيناى،

يشعرنى بكآبة جو الغرفة..

أنظر خارجاًً لأرى أضواء الشارع الخافتة،

قطرات المطر ملتصقة بزجاج النافذة..

تبعث برودة الجو فى جسدى قشعريرة..

تنتزعنى من تلك الذكرى للحظة.

دا عنيا دموعها

دموعها بتتكلم

يهتز المشهد أمامى،

عيناى تحاول إفراغ ما بجعبتها..

ولكن جفناى يعتصرهما ليحتفظا بما يجيش بصدرى.

لا أدرى لماذا أشعر بأن تلك المشاعر يجب أن تبقى داخلى..

أشعر لها بقيمة محببة وهى تصارع للخروج.

إنها ليست ملك لى وحدى.

خايف للغربة تحلى لك

والبعد يغير أحوالك

خلينى دايماً

دايماً على بالك

لأعوام طويلة أقتنعت بأننى تخلصت من كل شى،

تركته بركن بعيد من الذاكرة،

ركن مظلم..

دافىء.

ولكن هيهات،

هاهو يخرج مرة أخرى ليعصف بكيانى كله،

يعيد ما حدث كاملاً أمامى..

وكأنه بالأمس.

مهما كان بعدك هايطول

دا أنا قلبى عمره مايتحول

هافتكرك أكتر من الأول

بس أنت إياك..تبقى فاكرنى

كالحلم بدأ كل شىء،

وكالحلم انتهى..

ليتركنى للواقع القاحل.

فقط لحظات حالمة قصيرة،

لترتسم ابتسامة خفيفة سرعان ما تذبل وتختفى.

يامسافر وحدك

وفايتنى

ليه تبعد عنى

ليه تبعد عنى..وتشغلنى

أغلق المذياع،

أطفىء نور المكتب و..

وأحلم.

The p123 tag !

2007-01-08T18:01:00.000+02:00

Why can't we ignore tags??
You try and try and the tag haunts you whenever u try to post any thing.
So finally, I surreneder!
elsede'3 tagged me, and the tag was: "Write down the three lines after the first five lines on page 123 from any book u're reading now"
I started this novel this winter and didn't find time to finish it, so...donno!

"... the portrait wondering at its beauty, almost enamoured of it, as it seemed to him at times. Was it to alter now with every mood to which he yielded? Was it to become a ..."

The Picture of Dorian Gray - Oscar Wilde

And I tag: hafsa, hoby, Reham.

Relief Valve !

2007-01-03T15:35:00.001+02:00

1- Don't try to convince me with your bullshit...You know it's nonsense, so don't try to put logic into it.

2- Why get astonished for what a hooker does?...That's her job!

3- I'm dead calm like a rock...So don't insist on talking to me in this phase cause I'm either healing or about to explode.

4- Responsibility isn't pizza, you can't change the ingredients.

5- Can't think in other than "since/therefore" method...So either you're talking logic or just anything else…Just let me know before you start.

6- Define target (if any) before you begin a conversation, so you don't waste my time.

7- Ignorance alone is not a sin...Ignorance + arrogance is!

8- I won't despise you if you told me that you are filthy,…may be I'll hate you. So don't play gentleman cause I'll spit on you m****rf****r

9- You definitely know the difference between dealing with a cat and dealing with a dog. So how come you deal with all people in the same way.

10- This is reality, so deal with it and stop using "IF" word.

11- Don't blame me for the result… You're the one who gave me all the "givens".

12- To get the best performance, you have to manage.

13- It's ok with me if you're slow or lacking some qualities,...but when I find porn on your PC instead of work and you are playing the boss,...be sure I'm gonna kill you, you son of a b****.

14- When extremely sane people become maniacs, there's definitely something wrong...
"I guess this is pretty obvious."

15- You did a great job, and left me scars that disfigured me for the rest of my life.

Engineering methods !!

2006-12-28T23:20:00.000+02:00

I found this on the web long time ago,... and I liked it :)

How To Catch A Lion ?!!

1. Newton's Method:
Let, the lion catch you. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. This implies you have caught the lion (Assuming that you're alive).

2. Einstein Method:
Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion. Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon.
Now you can trap it easily.

3. Schrodinger Method:
At any given moment, there is a positive probability that the lion should be in the cage. So set the trap, sit down and wait.

4. Inverse Transformation Method:
We place a spherical cage in the forest and enter it. Perform an inverse transformation with respect to lion Lion's in and we are out!

5. Thermodynamic Procedure:
We construct a semi-permeable membrane which allows everything to pass in it except the lions. Then sweep the entire forest with it.

6. Integration Differentiation Method:
Integrate the forest over the entire the area. The lion is somewhere in the result. So differentiate the result PARTIALLY w.r.t. the lion to trace out the lion.

7. Bohr Method:
Find a lioness. The lion would be rotating around her in circular paths, and eventually would decrease the radius between him and his nucleus.

8. The Moron's Method:
Tie down a goat with a tree, and wait on the tree for the lion. Hurrah!
Here comes the lion. Now as you have found it, get down and run with your goat to save it, before the lion uselessly kills it, so that you could use it next time.

The Falling

2006-12-19T23:49:00.000+02:00

Days follow..
Resisting the tide, you strive.
You become deprived of all what makes you human,
All what makes you alive.

Losing every bit of sanity..
Watching your dreams die one after another as if there was a plague.
Feeling these killing weights added on your chest..
Weights of burden and sufferings..
Making you suffocate.

It's way beyond misery..
You've passed this long ago.
Drowning in a ditch of sins..
Reaping what you sow.

Driven by rage..
Things rush out of your control.
Howling inside your head..
Tearing your brain cells in amusement..
You end up losing your soul.

Eyes thirsty for tears..
Lacking the power to cry,
But they just insist on staying inside to kill you.
Fears you can't defy.

You look in the mirror,
And see inside..
Disfigured, livid, shuddery.
Defeated, you fall..
You wait for the collision..
For the end.

هناك

2006-12-06T10:15:00.001+02:00

شتاء آخر..

أجلس وحيداً ..

أستمع لدقات الساعة .. كالعد التنازلى لمغادرتى هذا العالم

أتذكر تلك اللحظة

أسترجع ..

كلمات الوداع .. كخنجر يذبحنا

عيناك .. وجهك المبلل بالدموع

أقف أمامك بلا تعابير

جسدى ينزف .. يبكى .. يئن

عيناى متحجرتين

لسانى لا يقوى على الحركة

اختنق بالكلمات

وأنت تنظرين .. تنتظرين .. تغادرين

وتتركينى هناك وحيداً بعينين خاويتين

أسترجع ..

أحاسيس لم أتخيلها

كلمات ذابت بين النظرات .. كالحلم

صوتك .. بكائك

يتردد فى أذنى .. يمزقنى

أرى نفسى هناك

بلا حراك

أنتظرك .. أحلم بالهمسات

ألفظ أنفاسى الأخيرة.

Celebrating the 29th !

2006-12-02T18:42:00.000+02:00

You are all invited!

(The original image is from the movie "Happy Birthday to me")

That Feeling !

2006-11-19T18:17:00.000+02:00

It's that feeling
That kept haunting me for years.
It's that feeling
That I've been evading for so long.
It's that feeling
That takes me there with a one way ticket.
It's that feeling
That tears me apart and leaves me helpless and devastated.
It's that feeling
That I hate and love how it feels under my skin.
It's that feeling
That taints my devotion and soaks it in betrayal.
It's that feeling
That overwhelms my senses and perception.
It's that feeling
That defies logic and shatters my every bit of sanity.
It's that feeling
That I thought it'll never come back again.
It's that feeling
That I can't bear anymore.

A Poem For Kids 1

2006-11-05T18:01:00.000+02:00

Simple plain somber truth.
Through the whole age of youth.
I've always loved my marionette.

Sweet as corpse,
Calm as death,
She suits me,
And never uttered a single breath.

Oh I love my marionette.

Watching her eyes wide open..
Same expression on her face..
See her walking with the jumping steps..
Merely happily on floor.

Oh I love my marionette.

And when I strangle my marionette..
See her hanging by the wall.
The marionette never speaks.
The marionette never smiles.

Oh I love my marionette.

The scent of kerosine..
The fumes from her dress..
The fire burning her head..
The jumping little steps.
The marionette never crys.
The marionette never feels.

Oh I love my marionette.

The ropes are burnt.
The steps are bumpy.
The limbs are gone..
Slowly decaying..
Moving down to the ground.

The marionette never sees.
The marionette never hears.
The marionette never moves.
I've never loved my marionette.
I've always wanted her dead.

A Gentleman Dialogue

2006-10-18T14:59:00.000+02:00

I want to end this relationship.
Let's have a closure.
I want Salvation.

I can understand this.
You've always been a decent gentleman.
Contrarily me..
Not Your type.

I know u hate me.
You are waiting for the time to attack,
To stab..
To take my life.

Listen to this sinfonia by mozart,
It's ur favourite.

I feel you awake in my sleep
torturing me with my evil deeds,
No, it's your evil deeds.
You like this game..
Making me mystified, obscured by the clouds of guilt..
Attacking me in my weak moments..
In my rage, sleep, happiness, depression.

It's been a long time since we danced together..
Just move with me, let me guide you.

It's more fun to You.
You don't want to just kill me.
You want to watch me tormented,
Watch me bleed..
Watch me howl with agony..
Watch me die.

One step to the right,
One step to the left,
So easy,turn and bow.

You want to rule.
I can see you ravelling my thoughts, so slow..
Ripping them from my memories,
Smashing my dreams,
Rattling inside my head,
Even dancing over ashes of my life..
Like a damned insane spanish dancer.

Oh, we love this one,
Serenata Nocturna..
Take my hand and follow.

Your same old technique..
Slowly dragging me through ur deranged path..
Till I'm finally lost.

Now can you feel the stabbing,
So soft and gentle.
Isn't it sweet?!

Damn you, I'm coming back to my senses
You are not real,
You are just in my head.

There's no way back.
We are dancing Bolero on the honour of ur sanity.

I won't lose it..
I don't want to dance,
Don't want to sleep,
Don't want to live or love,
Oh let me die.

Bleed You pathetic soul..
You are mine,
You were always mine, and forever will be.
You had your closure.

The Empire

2006-10-12T22:21:00.000+02:00

Far away..
At the end of nowhere,
Beyond the horizon,
There lies..
The hellish catacomb.
And at the dawn of Evil,
Lightening stroke the ground,
Thunder rattled, shaking the corpses of atrocity..
And the Necromancer appeared,
Dressed in his black cloak of death,
Black as a murky night,
Filling the air with gloom.
He raised his decayed clawed hand,
Carrying the book of the dead,
And read the spells with a horrible guttural voice.
Then from everywhere..
Creeping like pythons..
The Goblins clustered at his feet.
They faltered humbly..
Showing their slavery..
To the Master of The Dark Side.

And as the wind howled wickedly,
He bellowed furiously..
Ordering them to amok,
To accompany the Cavalry of Torture,
And exhume all the sinners.
Maliciously he laughed and screamed..
Evil must spread..
Pain must rule..
It's the Bloody Era..
Slaughter Innocense,
Shed the blood of Faith,
Bury virtue under the walls of our horrifying catacomb.

And when he finished his callous speech,
The Sun of death arised..
From the Abyss of hatred..
Announcing..
The Empire of the Necromancer.

My sweet depression!

2006-10-04T15:22:00.000+02:00

To my sweet sweet depression..
You've been my friend, my mentor, my inspirer.
How can I live without you ?!
I can't stand losing you,
Please..
Don't leave me alone.
I can't stand the emptiness inside..so cold and scary..without you.
Yes I can see you,...in my pallid smile, in my empty eyes, in my dead dreams.
Stay with me..in sickness and in health.
Damn you,... don't ever go away,
Stay with me..
Till you eventually kill me..
Oh my sweet sweet depression...I love you.

كلكوعة

2006-09-15T10:51:00.000+03:00

ثلاث ساعات متواصلة من الشكوى..
ثلاث ساعات متواصلة يتقيأ فى أذنى مشاكله وهمومه..
ثلاث ساعات يملأ رأسى بالمصائب والهموم.
وبالأمس أفرغ صديق آخر جوال همومه وأوساخه فوق رأسى.
وبأمس الأول صب صديق ثالث جام غضبه ولعناته علىّ لأننى لا أسأل عليه فى ضائقته الصحية والنفسية.
ولا ألوم عليهم
ولكن أين أنا من هذا كله؟!
لماذا لا أفرغ ما بعقلى وقلبى ومعدتى عليهم وكأنما وجدت أنا لأنصت فقط ولا أتكلم عن الافكار التى تعفنت برأسى من فرط تكدسها وتعقيدها حتى أصبح من الصعب إخراجها دون أن أخسر الكثير على كافة المستويات.
هل فات الأوان؟.... أظن ذلك.

The Damned

2006-09-08T15:26:00.000+03:00

It's there in your cave..
Down ..
Deep inside..
Waiting in the dark..
Waiting to arise..
Thirsty for fresh blood,
Hungry for human flesh,
Ready for an era of sins,
For times of horror,
For ages of pain.

You can't deny it..
You can't prevent yourself from hearing the moans,
From smelling the warm, wet, stincky breath,
From feeling pure evil pumping in your viens.

Yes..
You feel the exhilaration,
The pleasure of being a sinner.
Don't deny it..
You are the necromancer,
So burn in your own hell,
Imprisoned behind bars of fear,
Swallowing your hatred,
Forever..
Damned you'll be.

Batabeet tagged me !

2006-08-24T21:35:00.000+03:00

I've been honoured to be tagged by Btatbeet to choose my favourite old sayings...
and here they are .. :)

خنفسة شافت ولادها ع الحيط قالت ده لولى ملضوم فى خيط
اللي ايده في الميه مش متل اللي ايده في النار
الحداية مابترميش كتاكيت
أتلم تنتون على تنتن..واحد نتن والتانى أنتن

and u fellows have been tagged ..
epitaph
maat
reham

Goodbye !

2006-08-14T03:20:00.000+03:00

Goodbye, blue sky
Goodbye, blue sky.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.

I've been tagged

2006-08-12T21:32:00.000+03:00

The whole blog thing is still a little bit strange to me. That doesn't mean that I don't feel at ease when I post my stuff, .. It's just that I found a gate to another dimension, another world that I found at last.
Honestly, it's like my everyday relief,... The first thing to do after coming home is checking my blog, and my friends' blogs too.
Anyway, before this post becomes silly :) , Thx Epitaph for the tagging,.. I really appreciate it :)
And so, here it comes...

هل أنت راض عن مدونتك شكلاً وموضوعاً؟
نعم، وبحب أتفرج عليه كل يوم وهى بتكبر وتبقى عروسة كمان

هل تعلم أسرتك الصغيرة بأمر مدونتك؟
نعم، ولكن لا أطلعهم على ما أكتب, واللى ليه عوزة فى حاجة، يروح يشوفها هو

هل تجد حرجاً فى أن تُخبر صديقاً عن مدونتك؟ هل تعتبرها أمرا خاصا بك؟
نعم خاص جداً، ولا أرغب فى ذلك مستقبلاً، ده لو كانوا موجودين من الأصل

هل تسببت المدونات بتغيير إيجابى لأفكارك؟ اعطنى مثال فى حالة الاجابة نعم
أكيد طبعاً، مثال: وجود فتيان وفتيات مخهم نضيف وحاسيين بالزفت واللحوسة اللى البلد عايشه فيه

هل تكتفى بفتح صفحات من يعقبون بردود فى مدونتك أم تسعى لاكتشاف المزيد؟
هو الواحد بصارحة فيه اللى مكفيه :) ، بحاول أبصلى بصة كدة من حين لآخر

ماذا يعنى لك عداد الزوار.. هل تهتم بوضعه فى مدونتك؟
وضعته بعد هذا السؤال :)

هل حاولت تخيل شكل اصدقائك المدونين؟ اعترف
نعم، وفشلت

هل ترى فائدة حقيقية للتدوين؟
نعم، اللمة حلوة بصراحة، وإحساس إنك مش أنت الوحيد أللى شايل طاجن سته

هل تشعر أن مجتمع المدونين مجتمع منفصل عن العالم المحيط بك أم متفاعل مع احداثه؟
أكيد متفاعل، بس حاسس إننا عاملين زى الخفافيش

هل يزعجك وجود نقد بمدونتك ؟ أم تشعر انه ظاهرة صحية؟
لأ طبعاً، بس لو فيه حد قل ذوقه هسدغلوه

هل تخاف من بعض المدونات السياسية وتتحاشاها؟ هل صدمك اعتقال بعض المدونين؟
توء :) هايحصل إيه يعنى

هل فكرت فى مصير مدونتك حال وفاتك؟
نعم، بس مش عارف أعمل إيه.. مش هاتفرق معايا فى القبر

آخر سؤال : تحب تسمع أغنية إيه- بلاش صيغة آمال فهمى دى - ما الاغنية التى تحب وضع اللينك الخاص بها فى مدونتك؟
يا مسافر وحدك وشغلنى .. ليه تبعد عنى :(

اكتب اسماء خمسة مدونين ليقوموا بهذا الاسقصاء بعدك
أوكيه
elsede'3
maat
still breathing
batabeet
reham

Lost Inside

2006-08-09T18:44:00.000+03:00

I'm walking along the endless road,
On my way to nowhere,
Facing wind,
Storms,
And even some sunny days.

I see faces,
I feel ages of sadness,
Years of loneliness,
And some moments of happiness.

But as I go farther,
Mist becomes more dense,
I could hardly find my way,
I looked behind and found nothing,
It looks like I'm lost,
In the middle of nowhere.

What a depressing place,
It seems to get darker...
And darker,
I felt scared,
Some kind of primal fear is creeping to my soul.

It's a haunted place,
Haunted by fears,
And memories of mine,
That was lost for a long, long time.

Not a single sound I hear,
Yet torturing moans are deafening my ear,
I don't know what to do,
It seems that I'm dying here.

Now I can feel something weird,
Something scary,
It looks like I've been through all this for many times,
I don't know when,
I don't know how,
But sure I know these signs.

That was till I found him,
A human wreckage,
A shadow of a person,
That I hardly recognized his face.

Now I know the whole truth,
The wreckage was me,
Fears were mine,
I was totally blind,
Cause I was lost..
In my own mind.

Wicked ?!

2006-08-03T21:11:00.000+03:00

Cut their ears and tongues, then burn them all alive.
Maybe their screams will make me eventually sleep.

Thinking..

2006-07-30T17:00:00.000+03:00

We grow old,
become more wise,
lose our purity,
and our childhood becomes a fantasy.

Just wanted you to know !

2006-07-23T11:25:00.000+03:00

Just wanted you to know..

I'm all ears when you want to speak,
I'll listen to your heart,
And search for the dreams you seek.

Just wanted you to know..

I'll be a shoulder when you want to cry,
I'll soothe away all the pain,
I'll take away all your fears,
And wipe your tears dry.

Just wanted you to know..

I'll face the whole world to stand by you,
I'll ease your troubles,
And together..
We'll make it through.

Just wanted you to know..

I'll be your shelter..
From wind and rain,
I'll be the warmth,
When you are shaking from cold.

Just wanted you to know..

My heart sailed long ago,
Searching for love,
Looking for the shore.

Just wanted you to know..

You're the air I breathe,
The sky I see,
The only one for me.

Just wanted you to know..
That I love you.

Why?

2006-07-17T18:34:00.000+03:00

Why is everyone pushing me to the edge?
I don't want to go there..!!
But maybe they do !

Battle:Life

2006-07-13T19:54:00.001+03:00

A loud new cry,
Announced his birth..
A new Race..
A young creature..
With a baby face.

Life..
Oh life;
So sweet in his closed eyes,
Still fake to him,
He's still pure,
Still no wise.

Now he sees new faces,
Old races..
Mother and father,
Protecting son,
Sacrificing saviors.

Days, years..
So much tears..
Through the battle of Life..
The young man is forged by fears.

Now the young man knows,
People all have claws;
to be or not to be,
Is the only choice to me.

A good man, he is no more,
The beast inside began to roar,
From this moment..
It's nothing but war.

Live and let die,
No more he'll ever cry,
Mercy is an ancient history.
Pleasure for me,
And for all, is misery.

Days, years..
No more tears;
Through the battle of life ,
The man spreaded fears.

Time you'll never defeat;
Forever standing on your feet..
Is a dream you'll never meet.

He's now a harmless old beast,
A victim of wolves.
Revenge now rules,
Vengeance will be so cruel..
The end of his life..
The judgement day.

Regreting what he did,
Remembering the childhood bed,
The man sees his coffin..
The last station for the train of life.

Days, years..
Much more Tears,
The end of his life ,
The man is full of fears.

The Abyss

2006-07-13T18:03:00.000+03:00

After all this time you've been searching,
Crossing oceans of memories and thoughts,
Passing dead and forgotten fears,
Struggling with falls of sadness,
Now..
You've finally arrived.
You've finally reached your aim.
The target you've never wanted to find.
The gloomy abyss you've always feared to see in your worst nightmares.

Yes...
You are just one step closer.
One step closer to the door of your own Pandora's box,
And there's no choice.
You can't leave.
You can't go back.
You can't sleep in peace anymore.

Just one step closer...
To your most dreadful nightmare,
To your haunted dark cave,
The one you always knew it was there..
Inside you,
But you've never dared to come closer.

Now, you have to decide...
A useless decision.
Step inside and face your dreadful end,
Embrace horror,
Breathe your frightful memories,
Or just stay outside.

Stay there...
One step closer..
And keep waiting for the unknown,
For the evil monsters of your mind,
For the hungry ,
With Scars on their face,
The scars you did by your own bare hands.

Wait outside...
For the pure evil to evolve,
Creeping on the walls of the abyss,
Climbing slowly..
Frightfully.

Wait outside...
And hear its claws scratching the walls of the ditch,
Hungry for your filthy flesh,
Thirsty for your rotten blood,
Seeking for your evil soul..
To take it there..
Deep inside.

Wait outside...
Torn within.
Just one step closer,
To your end,
To the beginning of torture,
To nowhere,
To everywhere,
One step closer my friend..
To the scum of your mind.

A DREAM

2006-07-02T21:02:00.000+03:00

How I long for peace of mind,...
A dream so precious that I can't think of anything else.

عبرات

2006-06-27T14:38:00.000+03:00

عبرات

وحدي أمشي في الطرقات

ألملم فيض العبرات

وأغوص في بحر الذكريات

كي أنسي الحاضر والآتى

استرجع وجهك حبيبتي

أفتقد عذوبة همساتك

أستشعر دفء حنانك

والحسرة الآن رفيقتى

مازلت أعيش في أحزاني

خلف جدار الأوهام

والوحدة تقتل أيامي

تسقيني كئوس الآلام

سأظل أهيم بلا أمل

مجهول في كل الأمم

أتدثر برفات الأحلام

وأموت كما ولدت في أكفان