NUMB

32 and still breathing!

2009-12-02T23:33:00.012+02:00

She asked me about my age, and I replied, "33".
I found out that I was wrong when I went home, and for the next day I tried to figure out what's my real age but I failed.
Thanks to old school counting-fingers-method, I calculated it.

It's either love or hate; the in-between state doesn't suit me. It's a state of uncertainty that makes me restless.
And hate is my salvation.

I love asthma and I love nightmares.
I hate headaches and I hate nausea.
Is this Philosophy?!!

32 years…
6 years in an undefined phase,
11 years on the line of fire,
15 years of self punishment,
….
I'm a wicked wicked punisher!

"What's your goal for this year?"
….
"Ok, what do you want to do the most?"
…. (again)!
"…..?!"
I'm dead, it's just that I'm still breathing!

This is it!

2009-11-02T09:00:00.009+02:00

Alfred Hitchcock for a ten years old kid…!
That bird is driving the cat crazy…
Yes, I was entertained.

It was a sick self-aging process…
I thought it was my way out, but…

Boredom is my worst nightmare, my true self, and a state that I embrace while watching amusement in others eyes!

It was never physical, or at least it was just a feeling. I mean I've never fought to catch my breath or was dying to cut my chest open…
I'm literally suffocating!

I had to live with all that and still look sane and rational like it never happened,…
But I cannot keep it inside anymore!

I've never found an explanation for one's being wicked and fighting the wicked.
...
Yes, I'm afraid of me.

"Twinkle, twinkle, little star,..",…
And a slow motioned mass massacre…
I've always wondered how they are related!

These are not hallucinations! (part 5)

2009-07-26T09:39:00.012+03:00

I was staring at a cat,
And for 3 minutes I tried to think of an edible animal,..
I couldn't get one except...
That cat!

Day dreaming was the only thing I mastered anytime, anywhere..
It was my refuge,
My salvation..
Not anymore!
I'm trapped behind bars of reality and logic.

So at last we've got to know each other
And there was significant some kind of attraction..
So why do I feel all this resentment and hate?!!

It's an inevitable end,
A state of mind that will soon exist,
I just don't know when or where it will happen.
The crack is there, I know it…
And I'm waiting!

Going off the rails..
The restlessness that I feel whenever the idea awakens..
It's far more appealing than a sweet temptation..
It's a back door out of my self made fake image.

So I spent three hours drawing circles,..
Indistinct ones,
And about the same size.
My drawing speeded up minute after minute,
And the circles were spreading like cancer…
They were perfect,
They were just black and empty,
And they covered the whole sheet of paper,
Like hundreds of eyeballs,..
All staring at me!

Clutching the blanket around my shoulders,
Sitting by the fireplace,
Watching the torturing flames,..
And the faceless figures sitting around,..
All I can hear is my breath breaking the silence.
…
I don't know what they are waiting for..
But cutting off my face will certainly complete the circle!

Once you've invited Darkness into your life,
There's no turning back.
It burrows in,
Becomes part of you,…
Just as you become part of it! (Tess Gerritsen:The Mephisto Club)

Incubus!

2009-01-15T15:18:00.006+02:00

On the pursuit of self destruction I bleed,
I let go all that I need for the sake of what you want,
I'm burning it all down with me inside
Watching the vicious flames eating it little by little.

I won't break…
I'm bleeding inside.
I won't crumble…
I cannot remember.

Black out again;
Everything vanished and the walls returned as dead as they've ever been
The damned silence is deafening my ear.

My eyes are open…
I can't see through.
You can't let me talk…
I'm a filthy corpse of dead memories.

I remember opening the box and letting it all out.
It was still alive, wicked and rotten as ever,
And I can see you standing there
Like the first time I saw you…
Helpless and alienated.

Don't look at me…
I hate you like hell.
I'm steady as a rock…
I'm falling apart.

I couldn't look at the white sheet;
I do no longer want to visualize you.
Don't make me do it anymore,
Stop pushing me to the edge.

I'm standing still…
I'm being torn to pieces.
You can't see through me…
I'm dying inside.

They are still alive,
And I'm burying them again.
The smell stinks,
And I'm smiling like a corpse…

I can't wake up!

2009

2009-01-08T14:57:00.001+02:00

My clock is ticking and I'm running out of time....

Year 31

2008-12-02T15:31:00.002+02:00

To be honest, I really don't care...!

The Result

2008-11-26T10:11:00.009+02:00

You have been tested and evaluated.
And guess what...!
...

YOU FUCKING FAILED.

The Celebration!

2008-10-08T22:01:00.013+02:00

A moving corpse with rotten remains of simple dreams.
That's what I thought.
Mirrors can mess up your mind if you gave them the chance!

I didn't utter a single word for three hours…
Just a meaningless empty look on my face,
Starring back baldly cursing the disgusting inquiring eyes.

Still stained!
Things might seem blossoming,
But in the end,… the truth is revealed.
It's just a painting in the back of your head!

The music was so loud and the figures were dancing dementedly.
The rhythm exhumed the filth underneath my skin.

Rapidly decaying inside…
Burying the cells eaten by the vicious thoughts.
The smell stinks,
And I'm waiting for my time!

I repeatedly shot myself…
Blowing my head off.
The image flashed a million times inside my head.
The surroundings turning into mere havoc.

You were just a quality,
Something to look up to.
A habit that turned into a nightmare…
A demon feeding on my mind!

Suffocating in the rotten vacant volume...
Not enough bullets in my pistol…
I made up my mind!

Tagged by Evaluna

2008-08-19T18:00:00.008+03:00

RULES:
1. Put your iTunes/music player on Shuffle,
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer,
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER WHAT!!
After you’ve answered all of the questions, tag 5 other people and then let them know they’ve been tagged to do them themselves.

1. IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY” YOU SAY?
Blackout – Muse
**This is not a good start!

2. WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Dinosaur – King Crimson
**E7em… beyt'haya2ly as'3ar showaya!

3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Hello - Evanescence
**Is this a bad answer?!

4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Wake up hate - Korn
**Yeah, almost everyday!

5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
My December – Linkin Park
**Well, my birthday is 2/12, so…!

6. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Uninvited – Alanis Morissette
**NOOOO, NO, this is a naughty test!

7. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
Pic nic – Maniacs Vs Sharkiat
**LOOOOL

8. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Commissar - Savatage
**Irrelevant, and I hope it stays like this...

9. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
I've seen it all - Bjork & Thom Yorke
**Yeah,… and the current list is empty!!

10. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Come Undone – Duran Duran
**huh..??!

11. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Amnesia – Jessica Bailiff
** Good idea!

12. WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Isobel - Dido
**LOL :)

13. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Broken - Evanescence & Seether
**I don't want to know, but sure it's not broken!
**This post must be deleted :)

14. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Love Scenes – Beverly Craven
**Can't do that :)

15. WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Bolero – Maurice Ravel
**Hehe, I can imagine that :)

16. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Just for now – Imogen Heap
**Haha, You got it totally wrong you stupid test :)

17. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Fi Skoot el Lail – Kamilya Jubran
**Damn!

18. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
A Thousand Years - Sting
**Exactly, Long time no see!

19. WHAT SHOULD YOU POST THIS AS?
Break Stuff – Limb Bizkit
**LOL,….It is !

20. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOURSELF?
Turn the Page – Metallica
**A7san 7aga, kefaya 2el3ak 2elly foo2 :)

These are not hallucinations! (part 4)

2008-07-26T16:52:00.030+03:00

These are not hallucinations! (part1)
These are not hallucinations! (part2)
These are not hallucinations! (part3)

I'm not sure if what we had back then was for real.
It was the first time for me to feel that…
That I'm dying.

The idea that you can read people's minds is amazing.
I happened to experience that once before.
It's hideous!
And your life will never be the same afterwards.

I stood there watching and I did nothing.
That's what I did every time.
A deadly combination of fear and love…
And that's how I developed hate!

Adapting…
It's a process you go through when you can't fit into a particular situation.
But what if you got used to doing it over and over again, then…
Then suddenly you decided to stop?

I almost forgot how a normal sleep would be.
So I developed a new definition…
It's a state close to death when you wake up in the middle chocking or feeling that your blood pressure is going to tear your chest open. And if you made it through, you'll suffer through a series of nightmares till you eventually…
Do not die!

Don't get me wrong, I just can't help it!!
It's the only thing that pops up into my mind when you talk...
The blood splash when I smash your skull.
… !
You look charming with that axe next to…
…your decapitated corpse.

I can't figure out till now why or how our friendship came to an end!
We both just stopped calling.
I regret it, you know?
You were...
You were my FRIEND.

You people have been talking for the last three hours, and just saying shitty nonsense,..
and you look happy you,…you…
YOU MOTHER FUCKING FREAKS!

Drawing on red paper is so annoying.
There's too much red that…
That there's not enough contrast for my blood!!

I'm not easily provoked my friend!
I'm a fuckin' maniac who'll peel your skin off your face if I ever heard you… talking, laughing or even chewing food…!!

Same old me!
Eye contact,
Thoughts and words are rushing through my brain like freakin' bats out of hell, but never make it to…
Still there…
Tongue?!

I hate the horn of the ferry,
and I hate celebrations.
They remind me of…
the end!

I don't know how long it will last.
I don't know how long I'm going to bear it.
It seems like an endless vortex that keeps going on and on!
I'm drowning myself inside!

Here you are!

2008-07-09T08:50:00.014+03:00

Suddenly everything became colorful and bright.
Now, I can see everything from a different perspective.
An overwhelming feeling and cellular celebration of my whole body.
A smile on my face that shines and grows to light everything around.
I feel like every part of me is dancing in an unstoppable rhythm.
It's happiness...
A fascinating painting of cheer and utter joy!
….!
…

IS THAT WHAT YOU ALL WANT..?!!

JUST GIVE ME A FUCKIN' BREAK!!!

Slay

2008-06-11T13:02:00.001+03:00

Till the time comes!

2008-06-03T12:35:00.013+03:00

Poison is occasionally served in a nice pack as in disguise: glass of wine, a chocolate,….
That' what makes it mostly too late to reverse the process.
Shells and packs are so important. Take care of them till the time comes…!

I cannot remember when or where I heard those words, but they keep flashing in my head…
…!
……
Sounds like someone I know!

I don't have a clear mind all the time, even when I'm listening to someone, I still think about something else.
….
Yes, to a risky extent, and no matter the situation. I sleep on high ways or even crowded streets during rush hours when those horns are deafening your ears. My eyelids just go down as if tons of weights are tied to them.

He changed,… starting from being freakishly nervous and stressed to finding the truth about people’s good deeds and starting to doubt every move they make which really gave amazing results, at least it made sense to actions that were so vague to him!
One day, he'll admit my credit…!

Ninety-five percent of my sleep is nightmares and that's how they occur…
The first hour is dreaming that I'm chocking and paralyzed (it literarily happens)...
I cannot move a toe,
I cannot breathe,
a huge weight on my chest,
and all I can do is shake in one piece and murmur.
It happens 2-3 times, and then I indulge myself in an ocean of nightmares that ….
Then I may have some kind of regular fights and rage episodes with people I know and don't know, and…
…
It's morning, the alarm clock is breaking the silence and it's time to wake up feeling tired, exhausted and extremely pissed off like I've never slept in the first place
The thing is that when a night passes without those nightmares, I get a strange feeling that something precious is missing.
It's sick, I know how this sounds, but that's how…
What's that…?!

I told him to let go, so he gave that speech about his reputation, people's love and respect, and that social crap!
Poor guy!
He doesn't know how it feels to be a loose cannon, so that's why I'm giving him a long time treatment.
I fatigue him till he cracks and unleashes rage. He finds it strange and irritating though he's beginning to prefer fear in people's eyes rather than respect.
He's going to be ok one day,… mine I mean!

Oh, I love these fucking flickering neon lights and their reflected image on the glass of my desk.
It makes you feel…
Hypnotized!

Do they know about the creature hiding in the figure of "Him" they know.
Well, this guy is just great. He reveals nothing of what's going on inside. I can do whatever I want and he just puts a meaningless smile on his face. They know there's something going on inside but they cannot exactly figure it out.
But, I guess I'm doing much more activity than before, so this Shell "Him" sometimes falls down or crack and I'm EXPOSED.
It's chaos when that happens, 'cause everything is fucking out of control.
But, still it's going fine. Maybe I'll need to reduce my activity a little bit, as I prefer not to get exposed frequently till total transformation takes place.

...?!!
What transformation?!
…
Human Silence, how I love it…
Listening just to nature and yourself,
exposing the unspoken to the surroundings, and taking off your masks…
revealing everything that's ugly and personal.

What transformation,.. ?!
Oh dear, you are hallucinating again!

The isolation technique,…it works fine.
Just put all what's bothering you in a box and leave it there in that dark corner of your mind.
You can see it, but you pretend it's not in your view.
Just leave it there till the time comes.
…
Why do I get that weird feeling that I'm undergoing some kind of a bizarre process?!!

Reflections!

2008-04-25T23:41:00.005+03:00

The fading neon light is amazing. It's a perfect condition for your mind to mess up with you, especially with sleep deprivation!
…
Did I fall asleep?!

Going through the names and phone numbers, I hardly remember any of them. They are all somehow familiar but you cannot recall when or where you met those people or why was it so important to take their phone numbers!
It's a process…
Going through the names and deleting the ones that you do not know…
Parasites…
…
That's what I call them!

The reflection of light sources on the glass of my desk..
Seems like a...
These voices...
The number of reflections exceeds the source!
Is it possible to pass through the..?!

All of your thoughts cannot be revealed.
The unspoken precious cancer spots that eat away your sanity!
Trying to unload them,…
Then you feel cold and empty, missing the warmth of the burden you were keeping inside.
And you cannot tolerate the fresh air that finally finds a way to your chest and deprive you from the sweet chocking feeling!!

I did not fall asleep..
Why is it dark outside?
I guess I arrived 8 o'clock in the morning..!
…
It's scary how your reflection watches you from the other side, especially when it walks away towards these excess reflections of light spots!

Ok, I know you quite well, and I know you are not suicidal, but these images are extremely unhealthy I can assure you…
The speeding bullet tearing you brain cells and violating their privacy as it passes to the other side of your skull, splashing the contents all around…!

Oh, that dream?!
Yeah, we all have it from time to time.
It's a long long journey, though it takes a few seconds to embrace the ground.
But you never know how it's going to feel?!

And the Oscar goes to... !

2008-04-10T13:38:00.010+02:00

So I never though about acting or participating in a play!
I was content with watching the characters and events taking place, fascinated, shocked or even feeling down with all what happens.
And I used to believe it all!!
I did not intend to have a role. It was just more than enough for me to just watch till I found that things do not make sense.
Like this fellow "K" who seemed to be nice and cool, but somehow all that results form his actions is just evil and mean. I didn't pay much attention in the first place but in the back of my mind things were analyzed and put together till everything was eventually clear!

When things start making no sense to you, the conspiracy theory is a perfect candidate to figure everything out. Yes, all the inputs and clues perfectly tie together.
This is when I decided to get involved!

It's disgusting..
Yes, "That one may smile, and smile, and be a villain" (Hamlet) …. "TRUE"
Now, I'm in a fucking ridiculous play. We are all friends, that's what the audience see. But the vicious and cruel stabbing is taking place behind.

Damn it!
I just can't stab someone in the back, though I'm a good student and I'm learning. But I hope that my final stab will be in the face, straight to the chest, not out of nobility (I'm too confused to know) but to watch the eyes dying and fading away!

Ok, just keep buying it. You may have already known that I found out about your real disgusting character, but you'll never get a clear declaration from me. I'll keep that provoking smile on my face and that meaningless look. I'll keep you wondering about my next step.
And be sure that I respect a dirty bitch more than you!!

These are not hallucinations! (part 3)

2007-12-27T01:22:00.000+02:00

These are not hallucinations! (part1)
These are not hallucinations! (part2)

There’s something wrong about cold this winter. I feel it but I can’t…dunno…”FEEL” it ...!
It’s there I know, but it’s like that I just don’t care!

When you have a nightmare almost every night, you kinda get used to it.
Actually you wait for it and feed it with all the filth and crap before you close your eyes.
I was faithful to you, so why did you damned nightmare stop visiting me after 15 years ?!!
Why did you keep me wondering why you left like I was wondering why you came in the first place?

Being evil is easy.
Being Virtuous is hard.
Staying in the middle is torturing.
And I can’t still figure out where am I ?!

It wasn’t cruelty to act the way I did,…
It’s just that I was too weak to go on like this.
I slaughtered both of us so as not to suffer afterwards.
But we did not die…
We lived,..
and had all the sufferings.

My lovely Bird,
When you died 24 years ago I was so angry and devastated to see you lying in your grave (aka the trash can) and I couldn’t think about anything but how am I going to live without you?
Now, I’m wondering,…
Did u suffer when you died from thirst?
Was it pulses of pain that went through you nervous system shaking your body when you were squeaking in the sunny balcony, seeing your pot of water spelt under your feet?!

We danced like we’ve never danced before.
We kept going round and round in circles on the dance floor.
The colors gradually mixed in a glowing rainbow.
People developed to ghosts and shadows.
I felt that everything was moving with the speed of light and we were just dancing in slow motion.
Did I hear you saying: “I love you” ?!

I’m being consumed..
Decaying slowly like a gentle breeze,…fast as an enormous wave,…and I’m just staring helpless!

I know that lonely child standing there.
I love him,…
I pity him,..
I just want to go there and give him a big hug, and whisper in his ears how much…
How much I hate him!

30

2007-12-02T18:59:00.000+02:00

Ok...

Another year,

Another Winter..!

Nothing has changed on the outside…

I’m restless and irritated,...maybe ‘cause I hate getting old!

I had a lot in mind to write down, but as soon as I started, every single thought inside my head simply vanished!

Got a Complaint in the System!

2007-11-25T21:29:00.000+02:00

So whether we work hard or not,…eventually we get the same ratings in the system.

Well,…I hope that was the case, at least, one can be able to tolerate that. But what is unbearable is the OTHER standards for rating people, which by the way have nothing to do with being efficient or hardworking or even intelligent!

It’s being an ass kisser, being able to make a propaganda out of nothing, being able to not to work but still look like you do through making others get the job done. And hey,….you people who are shouting out there saying: “That’s not their fault, it’s other’s who get the job done and give them that opportunity”,....It’s not that easy!

You know why?!!

‘cause the system TOTALLY support this type of people: the blood sucking, filthy, insensitive, mother fucking creatures!!!
All that matters is looking great, getting the job done perfectly (doesn’t matter the essence of the job by the way) no matter the casualties or who did it and who did not participate.

Ok, even that one can try to tolerate and swallow it deep with bitterness, BUT…

When it comes to giving privileges to the non-working type and forgetting all about others who are working to the bone giving work the first priority over their personal interests and needs,…

When it comes to deprivation from lawful rights or offering the leftover or the rejected opportunities (that were refined over and over till no one wants to take them) as if it was some kind of special treatment,…

This is what I CANNOT STAND!

No,…sorry,…I’M GONNA BREAK YOUR FUCKIN’ FACE TONIGHT !!

DAMN IT !!

I hate you!

2007-11-09T14:26:00.000+02:00

You’re back!

I knew it, and I expected you, because you’ve never left in the first place.

You were always here, hiding, though we were always seeing each other!

Oh my God!

I still remember these awful memories, the bloody fights, the battles I’ve gone through. I was such a stubborn opponent, and you were such an atrocious filthy enemy.

You struck in the dark, anywhere, anytime. You were a merciless beast and I did everything trying to stop you, to vanquish you!

Sometimes I was somehow close to conquering you, but I was worn out and fatigued and I couldn’t continue.

I fell down!

Yes,…

I finally admit it…

You conquered me and I was dramatically defeated. Six years ago I admitted defeat. I chose to stop fighting because I wasn’t going anywhere. And even though, you did not leave me alone. You watched me fall in humiliation and imprisoned me behind bars of fear. A barrier that hindered any kind of pleasure.

It’s so ironic how I’m dealing with you as if you were real, like us,…blood and flesh. You are alive, but you are not. Damn you, I don’t know where or how you appeared in my life. Maybe I was too ignorant to know that you were a fast growing monster, a vicious weed that spread inside my head like fire and occupied it for 13 years!

I fear you!

I fear you to the bone.

You are my worst nightmare ever.

You deprived me from feeling or sensing happiness or peace of mind!

I’ve never admitted defeat in my entire life, except this time. You left me a taste of bitterness and humiliation that’ll stay till I die.

You haunt me in every place, all the time, and I can’t escape.

I know you won’t set me free. I’ve tried every once and a while to fight you again, but I lack my past strength. I’m trying again but I know how it might end this time. Lots of things have changed, and if I fell down this time, I’ll lose everything.

You know how I think, where and when I’ll hit you, and damn your fast learning capabilities. I just can’t tolerate your strikes anymore. You strike the old wounds, and every time you hit me, you shake my entire life.

I hate you..

I HATE YOU!

And You're Lost!

2007-10-14T21:47:00.001+02:00

There are things better be buried and forgotten forever, though you’ll never be able to leave them way behind without finding yourself one day unconsciously digging deep and exhuming your atrocious fears and memories!

It’s a state of restlessness, knowing that there’s something wicked back there inside your head howling underneath, disfiguring you from the inside and leaving you in a state between nightmares and desolate reality and a yearning for inner peace which leads to self-hatred and unjustified rage.

So you become nothing but a savage beast,…living on the edge,…hardly caring about anything,…and your mind, which is totally obscured by dark thoughts, only feels secure when it’s in the wild and not behind some fragile smooth fancy curtains of serenity and content!

Finally,…you pay the price, fall down, fatigued from overloading your nervous system, and in need for peace and emotional satisfaction which you devour with a sense of disgust for being such a pathetic creature; That’s when the beast inside begin to roar again trying to eliminate the bitter taste of human weakness and you find yourself lost on the way to redemption!

A poem for Kids 2

2007-09-16T17:24:00.000+02:00

For the Kids who missed the first poem:
A Poem for Kids 1

Freaky freaks are on the peak.
Lunacy is what you seek.
Just punch your eyes
And let them leak.

Flicks and tricks,
Sticks and bricks,
Shots and stabs
Are just for kicks.

Cut the crap,
Just take a nap.
I'll leave you alone,
Can't you see the trap?

A growing bud,
Drops of blood,
Stains on sleeves,
All buried in mud.

Late at night
Stars are bright.
I'm next to a corpse
Paralyzed with fright.

Tears and sighs
Sometimes are lies.
But deep inside
You'll hear the cries.

Through your mind
You'll dig to find
Truth and deceit
And fear that's blind.

Reread the lines,
They're not just rhymes.
You're hypnotized
By shining signs!

.

Ctrl-Alt-Del

2007-09-03T21:39:00.000+03:00

I'm CONFUSED!!

For the first time in my life, I began to doubt my judgments, and worse...

I began doubting my way of thinking (that seemed logical to me), but somehow the results didn't fit with the surroundings.

Something is wrong in the loop. Did I miss some givens, or did I neglect an important condition to apply the equation.

PAUSE..

What equation?!!

Who taught me this way of thinking,… I mean the since-therefore method?!

CONTINUE..

Now it feels sick to hear me talk and think that way. We are human beings, not machines and processors. I know some logic is important in one's life, but when logic takes over, it gradually sets aside feelings. So did I do that?!

Ok, I think a lot, maybe more than normal, but confusion, especially concerning my ethical and logical system was never a possibility!

But when you strike the closed window (previously and wrongly proven to be open), then you have to stop and revise your calculations or the equation you used, and start searching for the bug!!

No brain storming yet, but going through the lines made me consider omitting or neglecting some possibilities that could have ruined the program.

Arrogance, Selfishness, and maybe a deformed logic (wrongly stated correct by default) were the candidates in my preliminary analysis, and these results were really SHOCKING!

PAUSE..

A Corrective Action has to be done immediately, then re-run the program.

CONTINUE..

Wrong!!

Again you are a human being, not a processor, changes can't be undone. They have already existed, maybe you can fix them or set them aside and start over and get new results!

But what if I wasn't wrong?

What if I can't replace or fix my deformed logic?

What if wasn't an updated version?

What if I used a healthy logic in an infected (contaminated) operating system (environment)?

What if I was really arrogant, selfish and…. (scared of thinking of the rest)?

To be continued,...or not!
.

Crumbling!

2007-07-23T09:45:00.000+03:00

The carousel is spinning,
A cup of coffee,
A picture that stands still.
Just a deja vu of a name..
engraved on a piece of wood.

Lots of things I see in the shade
A flickering candle,
A moving curtain,
A little boy with a smile..
marked on his dead face.

An old note I wrote before
Pencil marks have such a style
A cigarette burn,
blood on my sleeve,
With shaking hands I picked a knife.

I can see you standing there..
still like last time we met,
same smile upon your face.
A memory, a dream, a nightmare
I just failed to win your hatred.

You are sick
Though he knows it well,
A fact that seemed so logic and sane,
Just hearing it..
feels like cutting through your flesh.
.

The Countdown!

2007-07-18T22:34:00.000+03:00

"It is not these well-fed long-haired men that I fear, but the pale and the hungry-looking."

- Julius Caesar -
.

Unsigned Painting!

2007-07-01T14:22:00.000+03:00

November 15
It's cloudy and I guess it's going to rain. As usual I sat next to the open window enjoying the chill of the cold winter and the murky sky!
Aimlessly I pulled a chair next to my dashboard, took my brush and began to paint.

With soft and lazy strokes I drew him next to the table in a dark room with a faint light of a small lamp,...
a glass of beer half full on the table and a pistol in his hand.

November 21
I rarely finish a painting in one day. I may start it and finish it a month later. I like Mozart, the music just suits your mood whatever it is.

It was all in black and white,… the man, the table,…
I added a window, and a bird outside shivering from cold,…
And with quick strokes I drew rain and wind…

November 24
Yesterday, I felt a little sick, and I stayed in bed all day long,…did nothing but watch the ceiling and I didn't utter a single word…
There must be some connection between insanity and peace of mind. I guess only the insane can have these rare pure moments of utmost peace or may be it's some kind of temporary amnesia when you can remember or see nothing but the color white,…or black!

Watching the birds shaking its wings, and with empty looks, he loaded the pistol with hesitant hands. He took the final decision, but the idea made him shudder…
One bullet is quite enough…one shot will do the job.

December 2
I figured out something today…Deafness isn't always physical, sometimes you can choose not to hear,…to the extent that you see the lips moving and you hear nothing but yourself or you can't hear at all,…or even feel...
That's really strange!

It seemed to be a good idea; he'll take everything out of his head. Imagining the blood splash, sketching his poems, pain and memories back on the wall…
A memorial painting, signed by his own hands!
With his finger on the trigger,…
he swallowed the barrel,…
took a look at the bird outside…
One last breath…
And he closed his eyes.
.